How Are You Single

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  1. Because I am either smashed or sober –  there is no inbetween
  2. After being a violinist, pianist, flutist and tennis enthusiast when I turned 18 I lost all hobbies so seem to have no interests
  3. I don’t laugh, I howl and clap like a seal
  4. I literally cannot cook, and everything is coated in layer of cheddar cheese
  5. My hair needs at least 30 minutes taming time in the mornings
  6. To my friends I have the wit of Ricky Gervais to boys an evening with Jeremy Paxman
  7. I don’t smoke, and then demolish a 20 pack after two drinks
  8. I drink pints. Boys sometimes find this attractive – until the second one is downed and I can’t see
  9. Once I got called a ‘prawn’ by a 16 year old in MacDonalds, destroying all self confidence
  10. If a boy asks for a picture he will have to wait at least two days – this is how long it takes to get a decent shot post-editing.
  11. I would rather wiggle than walk the 100 metres to buy toilet paper
  12. Probably should wash more
  13. I can talk about Harry Potter for hours, literally hours
  14. Following on from above – for every date I request a trip to Harry Potter world
  15. I discuss how amazingly beautiful all my friends are and refer to myself as a ‘MUF’ (Mandatory Ugly Friend)
  16. I notice pretty girls more than the boy – optimising total paranoia
  17. I feel the need to discuss the film while it is happening at the cinema
  18. I eat like a cow
  19. I think I can rap
  20. My body will need a very expensive service in 10 years
  21. I lie continuously ‘yes, I can speak Mandarin’ . . . just because it says it on your fb doesn’t make it true
  22. My general knowledge is shocking
  23. I love reality TV
  24. I once forgot to take out a tampon for a very long time
  25. They will be bitterly disappointed when the child is born with a massive snout
  26. I offer to pay half then my card gets declined
  27. I don’t resemble a herbal essence advert in the shower but more a sewer rat
  28. My room is always a mess and completely inhospitable
  29. Barely squat – even with all the perfect peaches staring at me on Instagram
  30. This blog
  31. I’m completely mental and over think everything

That’s how. 

#15 Seriously, wear a seatbelt.

Debbie and Ellie find employment at Irish bar down the road

But still awkwardly live at ex-employer Russell’s home

Every morning is uncomfortable

Walk to work in 38 degrees heat

Begin cleaning rooms for men who work in mines and serving behind the bar

They seem nice

Overly nice

Get home to find note from Russell

‘Gone away for few days.’

Ellie and Debbie stop celebrating when they discover large toad under sofa

Debbie kicks toad, which barks back

What the actual fuck

Ellie, whilst stood on kitchen table yells: ‘He’s put it there on purpose’

Debbie guides toad out to patio with spade

Whilst chauffeuring out toad gets called over by neighbours

Debbie and Ellie go over

Get told to be careful of new employers

Apparently Capella made National News when all the miners contracted herpes from sleeping with Debbie and Ellie’s new employers at Irish bar

Wonderful

Ellie goes back to work following evening to work behind the bar

Debbie fears the return of the barking toad, so joins Ellie an hour later

Begins drinking and chatting to miners

Debbie orders every cocktail on the menu, knowing Ellie can’t make any

Good friend

Shift finishes

Debbie is smashed

Ellie is approached by miner

‘How much?’

Discover new employers are not only riddled with Herpes, they’re also prostitutes

Debbie tells Ellie to ask for a good price

Ellie shouts at Debbie

Invite miners back to ex-employer Russell’s for house party

Debbie, Ellie and the miners get in the back of ute

The driver has been drinking cocktails with Debbie

Leave Irish bar

Driver speeds off at give-way

Debbie, along with three other miners, roll off back of ute

Ellie screams

Ute stops

Ellie runs to Debbie

Debbie thinks she is dying

Ellie tells Debbie to stop being melodramatic at the graze on her elbow

Ellie explains there is a man who has cracked his head open and might actually be dying

Debbie gets up

One miner calls ambulance

The ute hides around the corner

Ambulance arrives

Ellie explains the man with the cracked skull  ‘slipped’

Ambulance driver looks around at the others who have also fallen off the ute with grazes on their face and arms

Doesn’t comment and takes away severly injured man

Debbie, Ellie and miners all head back to Russells’

See Russell’s truck in driveway

Shit


Wake up next morning

Ellie and Debbie are through with Capella

Decide they just want to be on a beach

Book flights to Brisbane

The only place in Australia that doesn’t have a beach.

 

Which “other” friend were you

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We can’t all be the most popular, the prettiest, the funniest. But don’t fret, you are a valued member of the group in your own ‘special’ way.
See some examples below of the classic ‘other’ friend

The one at the school disco sweating in a tracksuit
Sporty Spice, Spicegirls
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The sensible one. You tried to show your wild side in the second film, we all cringed.
Miranda, Sex and the City

Sex and the City 2

Sexy fancy dress just isn’t your thing?
Drew Barrymore, Charlies’ Angels
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You tried so hard, but you’re just not ‘fetch’
Gretchen, Mean Girls
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No one really knows why you are there, you don’t bring much to the party – but hey, no one asked you to leave!
Tina, S Club 7
Music - Nottingham Party in the Park - S Club 7

You got pregnant
Mimi, Crossroads
Unknown

You’re like funny and ‘quirky’.
No, you’re just really weird
Phoebe, Friends

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Even though you were a girl you had to play a boy because you were the tallest.
Hermaphrodite Tinky Winky, Teletubbies
Teletubbies

Your favourite colour is pink, everything you own is pink – but due to the playground hierarchy you had to be…
The Yellow Power ranger, Power Rangers (Assemble!)
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Hair in your mouth? no one cares, everyone else looks great.
The third wheel.
Michelle, Destiny’s Child
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You are many things when you are drunk, but you are none of these.

#14 Fired.

– Holidays is spent with Russells’ family

– They explain the walls of their home used to be infested with snakes

– Great- next topic.

– Christmas morning

– Abbie, Satans sporn, gets a Barbie and calls it Ellie

– The family find it endearing and look at Ellie with loving eyes

– Debbie considers hitting a child

– Makes final attempt to become friends with it.

– Gets in paddling pool (fully clothed to make Lucifer re-incarnated happy)

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– Abbie gets out and laughs

– Debbie gets out and stands on barbie


New Year – Same Russell

– Chores list : Clean kitchen, make lawn

– Debbie treats Ellie and gets up early to polish all the work surfaces in kitchen

– Ellie wakes up to odd smell

– Debbie has cleaned entire kitchen with cockroach killer

– Ellie re-cleans kitchen

– Next job, make the lawn

– Ellie is going to use the Dingo from neighbours next door with strict instructions

Do not break it and don’t let the neighbours see you using it  

 – Its 38 degrees

– Debbie lifts a shovel

– Goes back inside

– Ellie gets on Dingo and starts shovelling

– Debbie hears scream

– The neighbours hear scream

– Debbie looks out window, still exhausted from the shovel

– Ellie and Dingo have fallen into hole

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– Russell comes home

– Broken Dingo is returned to neighbours

– Russell wants to give feedback so far on our employment

– Debbie decides it would be funny to do appraisal on Russell also

– Russell explains he is really happy with our (Ellie’s) work

– Spend following 10 minutes telling employer he can’t sing and should move his keyboard playing outside

– Debbie and Ellie look for new jobs.

Why your vagina is a little..

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They could be prettier
‘axe wound’, ‘penis fly trap’, ‘beef curtains’

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They are high maintenance

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They have a self-cleaning system
Discharge.
Spontaneous sex is not an option when a boy whips them off in a frenzy and they fall solid to the ground

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They are the fun police

‘No seriously stop, I’m going to wet myself, no seriously’

Great, wet myself TAXI

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They fart

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They lay eggs of the ugliest kind

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They are itchy
THRUSH.
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They are not festival friendly
Stinging nettles.

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They are so annoying
Cystitis

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And they have hideous accessories

Vajazzle

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Covering letter template

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Dear Dustbin, (guessing this is where I am as I don’t know anyone within the current company)

I would love to take on your internship (work for free, and hurt my face for three months from fake smiling at the shit jobs you are going to give me) I’m a recent 2:1 graduate of Agricultural Business (and still couldn’t tell you the difference between a horse and a cow). I’m very ambitious and love a challenge (constantly punching with male interests) and would be the perfect candidate to the position you are recruiting (which I can’t pronounce/spell).

My job history shows I have always been eager to work in many establishments (I’ve been fired a lot) I am always looking to strive to be the best and will go to any measures to make this happen (I once ran away from a job because I was so bored) I have outstanding communication skills and never afraid to voice my opinions (I shout a lot when I’m drunk). I am very professional and will be presentable at all times (I don’t own anything baggy or a bra)

So please consider me for this role my interpersonal skills are second to none (I think I did anal last weekend not with a steady boyfriend) and promise to be a key member in your organisation and help others shine (I will definitely be the most embarrassing at the Christmas party)

Please see attached my CV (job roles where I had minimal responsibility but read like I was the MD of the majority) and references (these aren’t included as at my last job I turned up to work drunk and called my employer an arsehole)

Regards

Debbie (Kim Kardashian also has no skills, but is more famous than the Queen)

#13 Reasons why not to lie on your CV

– Wake up at 6am

–  Russels made a BBQ

– Beef sausages

– pass

– Jump in truck

– Russel explains his brothers sister also studied agri-business

– Shit

– Meet the family, Mark, Mary and their baby of 6 months and.. Abbie

– Head out to cattle station

– Ellie hops in the back of the truck

– Debbie takes her seat at the front

– Abbie also wants to sit in the front

– Sits on Debbies lap

– Debbie doesn’t like children, especially ones related to Satan

– Its a bumpy road

– Abbie nearly falls from Debbies lap

– Debbie steadies her

– Abbie, after spitting out fire shouts ‘Get off me’

– Mark looks at Debbie

– Debbie gives awkward ‘I am not a paedophile’ smile

– Ponders how obvious it would be to open passage door and kick minion of anti-Christ out.

– Reach cattle station

– Watch out for snakes in the long grass

– Debbie stills

– Pelts across long grass

– First job; separate cattle

– Debbie assumes into different colours

– Debbie observes Ellie rounding up cattle with a number of hand gestures and whistles

– Ellie turns round to see Debbie doing star jumps and slapping her thighs

– Get brown cows into one pen

– Ellie stands on gate encouraging cows to move forward

– Debbie follows suit

– Debbie gets kicked by a cow

– Ellie looks at debbies shaking foot

– Cow escapes

– Runs straight at Debbie

– Typical

– Lets cow pass

– The others role their eyes

– Debbie is just glad she hasn’t wet herself

– Wife explains its time for ‘smoko’

– Asks if we have this in England

– Debbie spends the journey back to the house nudging/winking and just generally doing every action to make anyone feel uncomfortable ‘yeh, don’t worry we get it..’

– 10 minutes later Ellie and Debbie are sat having a form a elevensies with the family, tea and biscuits

– Not getting stoned.

 

#12 ‘Don’t speak to strangers on the internet’ – we lived with one.

– Farmwork; Ellie looks forward to returning to her roots

– Debbie mentally prepares to face a cow

– He’s called Russell, and lives Capella

–  Google map shows his home is situated on an abandoned tennis court

– Alter address to parents

– Board flight, with 4 other people

– Debbie feels sick

– Ellie feels sick

– spent the following hour accusing the other for getting into this situation

– Arrive at airport/shack in the middle of some Tarmac

– Sit in waiting room

– Glare at every male

– Debbie voices (loudly) ‘I’m not going anywhere if its with him’

– Pointing in the general direction of every man who all look like the lead from Wolf creek

– Receive message “I’m out the back, in a white truck with a blue box in the back”

– For fuck sake.

– Walk outside, prepare to see our blue coffin

– Greeted by young male wearing sunnies and a cap, aged 25

– Good fortune, surely not?!

– Get in truck

– Debbie (obviously) takes her “side seat” without argument leaving Ellie wedged between Rusell with a gear stick in between her legs

– it was a manual

– Get back to Russels, Immediately rearrange furniture

– Russell comes out to see Debbie dragging her bed into Ellie’s room

– Positive note, we look like a gay couple

– He won’t try it on

– I’d like to think travelling has made me less naive to these situations

– Following morning go to kitchen observe to do list

– Initial advertised job description; work on cattle station, make lawn, clean airplane.

– Today’s list; wrap Christmas presents.

(This job was never completed as Ellie and Debbie were kidnapped by Russels ((ex)) friends and forced to drink beer, he never spoke to those friends again. We felt guilty for about a day)

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