Dear Dustbin, (guessing this is where I am as I don’t know anyone within the current company)
I would love to take on your internship (work for free, and hurt my face for three months from fake smiling at the shit jobs you are going to give me) I’m a recent 2:1 graduate of Agricultural Business (and still couldn’t tell you the difference between a horse and a cow). I’m very ambitious and love a challenge (constantly punching with male interests) and would be the perfect candidate to the position you are recruiting (which I can’t pronounce/spell).
My job history shows I have always been eager to work in many establishments (I’ve been fired a lot) I am always looking to strive to be the best and will go to any measures to make this happen (I once ran away from a job because I was so bored) I have outstanding communication skills and never afraid to voice my opinions (I shout a lot when I’m drunk). I am very professional and will be presentable at all times (I don’t own anything baggy or a bra)
So please consider me for this role my interpersonal skills are second to none (I think I did anal last weekend not with a steady boyfriend) and promise to be a key member in your organisation and help others shine (I will definitely be the most embarrassing at the Christmas party)
Please see attached my CV (job roles where I had minimal responsibility but read like I was the MD of the majority) and references (these aren’t included as at my last job I turned up to work drunk and called my employer an arsehole)
Debbie (Kim Kardashian also has no skills, but is more famous than the Queen)