The First Date

We had such a great time (the parts I remember were mortifying) I just wore a black top and jeans (‘just’ a black top was backless went as low as my belly button, I didn’t wear a bra and my nipples could’ve cut glass) we had loads in common (both mammals) and talked for hours (I talked for hours). 

We went to a restaurant and had some delicious food  (I spat out a raspberry I thought was a strawberry) then headed to a bar and got a bit tipsy (I literally couldn’t walk). We continued drinking till the early hours and didn’t want the night to end! (he called a taxi to go home – I told the driver to go to a bar down the road).

I know you shouldn’t on the first date, but we kissed (we had sex) which was so nice (it was awful, I called his penis a ‘grower’ then flicked it). He said I was like no girl he’d ever met (when he returned from the bathroom I looked like this).

And he said he wanted to see me again (he didn’t,  I got a glass of milk and directions to the station). I haven’t really heard from him since (I’ve heard nothing) but he’s probably just really busy (getting his memory surgically removed).

You know what, I’m not bothered if I don’t (I’m so upset) I’m just going to carry on as if I’d never met him (sitting in a dark room, re-reading our old messages before I destroyed everything). 

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7 thoughts on “The First Date

  1. Happened to be at my laptop whilst filling the void on tinder, so I navigated here first. Convinced me to swipe right. Good show.

    I signed up to instagram about 2 days ago: howi_a
    Loads of absolutely ripped shirtless selfies (absolutely none, I’m not absolutely ripped). There’s a bunch of other really good pictures too, (there’s only 2 so far, a nice garden, and an ironic jack russel).

    A sense of humour > all, which I like to think I also have, (hence totally ripping off how your wrote the last blog post in a contrived attempt to be funny).

    Currently wondering the bookies odds of a match, (room is darkened, but stuff is still intact).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ll trade you a story that has only one format of telling although it makes for almost as addictive reading… Just say the word fish sticks. No, not you Kanye.


  3. Brilliant. I’ve stumbled down a rabbit whole ala Alice in wonderland to literally enter the back of a queue of dudes trying to hook up with ol’ Dangerous over here. Well Played DD, well played. My money’s on ‘Howi’ – Brian you let the side down with a trivial Off/Of error… foreshame.


  4. Any date that doesn’t somehow involve the girl putting on an Iron Man mask is now going to be a disappointment.
    Cheers for that!

    (Insta: willberry88)


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