We were the modern day Romeo and Juliette, (if Romeo had fancied Juliette’s friend) people didn’t agree with our relationship (everyone took the flat out piss – the only ‘couple’ photo we have is a picture of him kissing a blow up doll).
I knew he wasn’t the one (I was much longer than him) and we had very different interests (I fancied him and he fancied my friend Laura) but we still shared many sleepless memorable nights (not having sex. Listening to live updates of the general election on Radio 4) but I couldn’t complain (he was willing to tell people I was his girlfriend).
I packed my suitcase (for my walking holiday I packed bikinis, suspenders and flip flops) and we drove up to the Lake District (3 hours in a car, covered in wet fake tan that had a hideous stench of urine).
We were shown to our £400 a night room – I felt like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman (and looked like a patchy tanned old tart who didn’t understand how to dress appropriately).
We headed straight to the Sauna, envisaging a sensual scene of romance (porn) however my first experience was not quite what I imagined (‘babe – I can’t breathe?’) the heat was stifling (literally gagging in the steam, looking like a suffocating drowned rat) but he continued to enjoy himself (as I continued to be offensive to all the senses – I stank, was now wheezing and all my makeup had melted off) I retired to the bedroom and had a bubble bath to cool down (when he came to get me for dinner I looked like this).
We had dinner at the restaurant in the hotel, I was a little over dressed (in my white lace backless prom dress) in comparison to the other hotel goers (wearing jumpers, trousers and their orthopedic heels). We were given menus and chose a bottle of rose; ‘Would you like to try the wine’ (‘no it’ll be fine, I’d probably drink piss if it was alcoholic’) and then he poured us each a glass (as I continued to embarrass my boyfriend when I shouted at the waiter ‘where’s he going with my wine!?’) apparently in these lavish restaurants, this is the norm and they come over and refill your glasses for you (being a regular at McDonald’s this was new to me).
We got given complimentary bread for starters and I began buttering my first piece (with hard wax, apparently I don’t know the difference between a candle and slab of butter), had our mains then ate dessert staring out at the magnificent view (which was totally ruined when he accidentally said out loud ‘just think, I could have been here with Laura’).
A new day came and he had organised a walking tour (fucking yay) and I got dressed (in my flip flops and short shorts). After our small (my arse.. three miles later) trek, we reached a coffee shop and relaxed on the grass (I completely passed out on the grass and woke myself up with a sudden snort) then made our way back to the hotel.
The following morning we left and drove back to university, it was an uncomfortable car journey (mainly because he dumped me) he tried to explain his reasons (but instead said ‘at least we ended things on a high’) I was too upset to speak (absolutely gobsmacked ‘you brought me here to dump me?!’) I couldn’t wait to get home and be around my friends (I lived with four boys who all found the situation completely hilarious) they always knew how to make me feel better (they bought me a dildo).