I remember the first time I slept walked, (mistaking your friend for a urinal is hard to erase) I was just 15 (going on three) and had only recently become friends with the girls (people).
It was my first girls’ sleepover, and I was excited (absolutely ecstatic) to have been invited; I wasn’t the coolest or most popular kid (I used to stick selotape to my face and spent my summers in a dark room wearing a cloak listening to Harry Potter tapes)
We gossiped about boys (they gossiped, I sat silently – nothing found me arousing) and drank wine (smashed two bottles in an hour and awkwardly coughed through a pack of 10)
I awoke the following morning – something didn’t feel right (I was naked from the waist down) I looked up at my new friend (who briefly glanced at my bare vagina, and left our shared sleeping bag) I couldn’t remember falling asleep (I couldn’t remember anything.)
As the others woke up they began putting the pieces together (and explained why my knickers were drying on the radiator) unfortunately I hadn’t just spilt a drink (or fallen in a river) I had got up in the middle of the night and sleep walked (of course I hadn’t just sleep walked – I had also squatted over my friends head and urinated)
‘Debbie, it was funny (she said with a completely straight face. She had woken up to my bare bottom as wee trickled down her neck and screamed. Obviously I didn’t apologise to my screaming toilet seat, but did a wiggle, and went back to sleep – leaving my friends to take the damp knickers off me and putting the sofa covers on the aga to dry) it could’ve been worse..’ (..the only worse scenario being if I had followed through and shat on her head)
We were collected later in the morning by our parents, my mum was excited to hear all about my first sleepover (‘Shut up and drive. My cloak better still be in the playroom’)
My friend soon forgave me and we chose not to talk about the incident again.
(The following weekend I slept walked into her parents bedroom and asked her mother to move over so I could get into bed with her father – naked.)