29 Thoughts Every Twenty Something Has (well, some of them)


  1. Find a way to become permanently bald from the neck down
  2. Learn to look attractive in the same photo as your friend; so WW111 doesn’t break out when they upload the one where your face has suffered a severe spasm
  3. Be able to say “TGIF” – and not say on the Sunday aftermath; ‘We never discuss this weekend again. Agreed?’
  4. Meet a boy in real life
  5. Be an extra on Magic Mike XXXL, literally anything – I will be a background tree I don’t care.
  6. Find a real hobby, and stop telling everyone it’s the sport which you haven’t played since you were 5.
  7. Force JK Rowling to give up the act and admit Hogwarts is real
  8. Become a Kardashian
  9. Have a word with the creator of auto correct for ruining my life when I sent a message to a boy saying ‘fancy going for a stinky poo’ instead of a drinkypoo.
  10. Just stop having conversations about the weather – everyone can see it’s raining
  11. Actually eat fruit and not sweets shaped as fruit
  12. Drink a green smoothie – and enjoy it, instead of pretending too and feeling like you just downed the garden shed
  13. Perfect ‘small chat’ – instead of saying uncomfortable one-liners at family parties
  14. Buy a sausage dog
  15. Watch the real news and stop relying on the Daily Mail
  16. Stop blaming your parents for everything – it’s not their fault, it’s the bottles of vodka.
  17. Have sex for pleasure and stop using it as a way to con a boy into multiple sleepovers
  18. Have a girls night with the girls and don’t run off with anything that has a penis
  19. Be able to live the YOLO life – instead of having to admit you can’t afford soap let alone a plane ticket
  20. Start buying soap
  21. Stop ordering a glass of milk in coffee shops and stealing the best armchair with your 70p drink
  22. Start using contraception – and stop relying on your period as a free pregnancy test
  23. Find a machine that will just mould your arse into the correct shape and not get a hernia from doing two squats
  24. Delete instagram – there is nothing #fitspo about scrolling down the newsfeed and discovering you (and your food) really are below par aesthetically
  25. Make it acceptable for men to wear heels
  26. Stop hanging around outside Buckingham Palace, the Queen doesn’t want to meet you.
  27. Be able to sit back and not think; why did I get into thousands of pounds worth of debt doing a degree, in what might as well be on the Hogwarts syllabus for all the good it’s done me.
  28. Try not to die a little bit inside when you see someone born in 1997 is now an adult.
  29. Reverse time to when the most difficult decision was should I shit in my nappy now, or wait till I’m on a relatives lap.

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