1) I love it when they cancel last minute – after you’ve waxed off every hair, tidied your room to an inch of its life, and resemble a woman whose recently returned from a day in the Kenyan sun.
2) The ‘Not Knowing’ – there has been a possible plan to see each other but they’ve decided to not message for four days leaving that plan to the fates – so exciting!
3) And when you finally get a message, it’s a picture of a burger.
4) It’s great when he gets on really well with your friends – sometimes too well ‘can I have a threesome with your housemate?’ oh go on then YOLO
5) That unwritten rule, its ok for them to double, sometimes even triple message, but if you even send even a “?” – blocked. Hurrah for double standards!
6) The are we/aren’t we exclusive question? Pre-sex they say yes, and then post-sex you catch the cheeky little bugger playing on tinder
7) When they get over excited by your breasts, and turn all 50 shades accidentally mistaking you for a cow – sucking, milking and punching until your nipples lose all feeling – or even better, explode!
8) The race – whose going to cum first, and they always win, can’t fault that competitive spirit
9) When you decide to treat them with a sexy little outfit, and they immediately turn the lights off – I love wasting money on suspenders that took 2 hours to put on.
10) The big decision “where to cum”; you request tummy, breasts anywhere but the face. Then you get an eye full of seamen – mmm like swimming in the sea with open eyes
11) When you’re on top and they compare you to a beautiful animal – or a walrus, music to my ears
12) The naughty photo is always scary – but they make life so much easier by following it up with “don’t worry your face doesn’t have to be in it” – phew
13) Dick shots – oh my god, I just wish they sent more!
14) When you’re on a date and they stare at every other girl in the bar – inadequacy really helps my personal development
15) You would most likely cancel a date to your best friends wedding to spend an evening with them, however they would much rather play fifa for 12 hours – loyalty.
16) Fingering, continual jabbing to the vagina with four fingers (like a shovel) – even after multiple conversations saying the front part of the clitoris is the only way I orgasm, fuck it! Just stick your whole arm in there – feels AWESOME
17) He farts – my head gets held under the duvet, I accidentally let one slip – get treated like the 11th plague of Egypt – whoops!
18) That fun game we always play in public ‘lets pretend like we don’t know eachother’
19) And my favourite, the spontaneity when they randomly stick their penis in your arse and say “I only do that to a girl when I think I’m never going to see them again” …classic.