I woke the following morning and tried to remember the night before (whilst watching Merryn sleep). I did this most mornings – but I’d soon get bored (get told to “fuck off – go and scrub your wall”) so I’d take my sponge and random selection of cleaning products (vinegar, lemonade, bleach, milk – anything white) out of ‘my cupboard’ (the microwave) and attempt (then give up and sob) for around 10 minutes every morning trying to get it off.
The plan was to avoid Arthur for the remainder of the trip (until we looked down and saw a 10,000 Euro Rolex on Merryn’s wrist – the bill now increased to 12,500). We decided to head out to a deserted beach to sleep off our hangovers (I watched Merryn sleep off hers) when suddenly I realised something (that there was no need to share) we were staying in a place called Mono Veronica – (‘Merryn, my vagina is called Veronica’). Merryn didn’t seem too interested (“So..Go away”) and turned over – so I woke her again to explain (“We’re basically sleeping in my vagina?!”)
(‘Debbie – please stop talking’.)
Most days on the beach I liked to buy (myself) presents – first was the selfie stick (I called him Rod) yelling every minute as Merryn was falling into a deep slumber (‘Hey, let’s rod it!’) she would have been less angry if the pictures had been more complimentary (or if we’d been in them) I forgot to turn the camera round for the first 6 hours of owning Rod so when we checked out our pics that evening they weren’t the best (we weren’t in them – instead I had taken loads of close up photos of the distance).
The following day I bought a new towel, sunglasses, pretty little gold hoops a chicken rubber ring – by the final day (I knew all the beach sellers on a first name basis) Merryn explained the money situation was getting a little low (“no treats today Debbie”) I understood (and sulked, as I wasn’t allowed to buy my pretty little bandana).
We went for a dip in the sea and things became a little heated (Merryn had caught me buying my pretty little bandana – “you look like a member of Hells Angels – how much did that cost”) I was hurt by her comment (I did resemble a male biker – not Candice Swanepoel) so I turned on my holiday companion.
(“You know the reason I look so disorganised is because you are too organised!”)
Then just like a flash of lightening (or someone letting six days of worked up tension out on the child they had brought on holiday) she saw the wave coming (and my long body unsteadying) and pushed me – and looked on as I got washed ashore (like a disabled trout) as the Italian locals watched (a little concerned) and we both burst into hysterics.
(“Fair play Merbear”)
The truce was short-lived – when we arrived back at the apartment (“Where’s Rod?!” – “he was your responsibility”) we went out for our final meal (sobbing “you’ve hidden him haven’t you”).
Money was really tight by this point – down to our last 40 euros (not including the 12,500 euros still owed) so we went to a cheap fish restaurant (and I accidentally ordered a whale) and observed the mammoth fish as it was placed in front of me (staring up at me) “How do I eat this”, luckily (to the embarrassment of Merryn) the waiter deboned my fish for me. I assumed all of the bones had been removed (and left with an entire fish skeleton in my body at a cost of approximately 50 euros).
On the walk back we bumped into Arthur (“Merryn, hide your wrist”) and apologised for our swift exit the night before. Merryn returned the watch and Arthur asked for her number (not mine, I’d returned to my usual stance of silence when in the presence of other humans). Merryn handed over the phone for him to put in his number (“OH FOR GOD SAKE DEBBIE”) I’d completely forgotten whilst on the beach I had changed her screensaver
On check out day we (Merryn) tidied the room; I walked back and forth still stressing about the wall – but helped occasionally (“Debbie where are our passports” – “microwave”). We put on some music to make the situation more enjoyable (Star wars theme tune followed by the Jaws theme tune) ‘Debbie do you have any actual songs’ – ‘yeah’ (then accidentally put on the James Bond theme – and became double ‘0’ Debs, hiding behind furniture).
Our flights home weren’t booked till later that evening – so we popped off to our favourite beach to get one final day of tanning (taking virtually naked photos for my tinder moments).
Emotionally the trip had been a bit stressful, but physically I liked to let Merryn know we were still somehow connected
It was lovely final afternoon (until I received an email). Clouds came over me (“what is wrong with you now” – “she’s found it”) and it all went a little dark (“whose found what Debbie”) and my mood shifted (“Mother’s found Dangerous Debbie, on ‘the twitter.com’) I just lay there on for the last few hours of holiday (imagining my mother reading ‘accidental anal’).
The journey home, we were both pretty tired (I was too mortified to speak).
We arrived at Stansted and went to catch our bus and handed over the tickets to the driver (“sorry, these aren’t valid”) – I began to argue (“Merryn I defo booked them for this time, Monday”) and continued to rant saying how ridiculous it was that we weren’t allowed on. Merryn remained silent, shaking (not just from the cold).
“Debbie – it’s Tuesday. I can’t see you for a month”.