I was invited by “Date in a Dash” to attend a lock and key party at Kensington Roof Gardens – I’d been to the venue once before (which made absolutely no difference) so knew it was pretty swish (I knew nothing – I’d got completely bollocksed at a work party, snogged half the sales floor and asked an asexual to do me from behind).
I invited my friend Katy, “we can have pre-drinks and nibbles – then get dolled up – everyone is gonna be like ‘wow those girls are super-hot!’ ” (Katy replied “and hopefully not ‘oh my god, did that girl just punch that other girl?’ ”). I’d got a little too drunk on a previous night out (I winded her on the dance floor).
On the day Katy gave me a call;
“I’m going to Lidl, do you want me to collect anything”
“yeah, what do you fancy for food and drinks?”
“Debbie have you bought anything”
“no… might want to get washing up liquid too”
“Right so pizza, gin and washing up liquid?”
“toilet roll wouldn’t go a miss”
“Debbie! I am not doing your weekly shop”
She arrived (“you are the worst host ever”).
We gaily chatted about her most recent dates – she’d been seeing one guy for one month but he’d done a total 360:
“Have you spoken since?”
“Well I told him – you’re being mean and rude”
“I know – I was really glad I was honest about my feelings”
“Did he respond?”
“…Oh – Any others?”
“There was this one guy”
“That’s great – and?”
“He looked like my brother” (wow)
For those who are unaware of how these parties work the general idea is: girls get the padlocks whilst the men are handed a key. I got given my padlock (“There is already a key in my padlock”) the evening didn’t look promising (“oh…yeah that isn’t meant to be in there”).
So we began our search (which was completely pointless as my key was still lying on the table – alone) and began mingling. Katy chatted to a few guys, I became shy but Katy was there to help me overcome my timidness (randomly yelling “DEBBIE LIVES ON A FARM”) at which point they would look at me (I’d go “MOO”) and Katy would apologise then move onto the next.
We started chatting to a guy called Daniel who was there with his friend Matthew. Matthew (hilariously) wasn’t his friend at all. They met in the lift – every time Daniel began chatting to a woman Matthew would also come and join in “hey, I’m friends with Dan”– (“he won’t go away”) I howled and looked over to see Matthew trying to break his key in Katy’s lock.
As the night progressed it soon became apparent that multiple keys fitted in each of the locks (literally every male was getting his key in my lock) which made for some uncomfortable one liners (“you’re not my first”) – Katy’s lock however was more picky (“why is my lock so frigid”). At one point when I was speaking to Daniel I looked over to see Katy in a circle of men who (making no conversation) were taking turns in stepping forward and jamming their keys in her lock.
After a few (twenty) matches I was getting annoyed at my (slutty) lock and Katy was getting agitated at hers. Suddenly there he was; tall, dark, handsome(ish). I grabbed Katy, pointed and yelled: “HIM”.
We marched towards the male; excitement building (fear rose in his eyes) as two girls (who looked like they were marching into war) approached him. Katy stuck out her lock “put your key in my lock” (it was as uncomfortable as it sounds) and it fitted! We cheered “FINALLY” (confusing the room who understood the lock and key was just an ice breaker – not a proposal) and celebrated, Katy believing she had met “the one”.
However Barry wasn’t ready to commit (he tried to put his key in my lock) Katy was a little disheartened (went mental: “BARRY – HOW DARE YOU”).
Katy (still fuming from Barry’s adultery) collected her coat (I didn’t collect my coat – don’t wear layers) and we made our way to the door when we were greeted by Daniel: “why you girls off?” – “Sorry we’re just a bit exhausted” (then Katy said “but you were the best of a bad bunch”…silence). I attempted to lighten the situation and tell (Google) a joke I’d recently learnt (I could only remember the punch line) “I know it’s ‘Seven eight nine’ ” – luckily Daniel was there to fill in the blanks: “Are you trying to say ‘why was Six scared of Seven?’ ” – “YES” (and began howling at my year two maths joke).
We then left to celebrate being single independent women at the Brewers (a gay bar).
After the event Katy did have some luck from the night (“Debbie, a guy has Googled me and added me on Linkedin”). I asked if she’d heard from Barry (and received a screen shot of the message: “I’ve tried to call you – why you not answering”).
It was a hilarious evening meeting lots of new and different people (“why is he ringing you?!” – “I don’t know Debbie, they’re not like other men”).