- You’ve spotted the male on Tinder, his bio is filled with personality and charm (“I’m 6ft”) quick swipe to the right:
- The courting:
“Hey how’s you?”
“Not bad thanks, you?
“I would honestly be down to have sex with you.”
- Whilst you stalk the entire instagram examining past possible Ex’s.
- You’ll buy a juicer, gym membership (anything) to pretend you have hobbies – when realistically your only hobby is embarrassing yourself.
- After two, three dates (mentioning their name multiple times a day) your friends will start saying;“You are so in a relationship-”
“Oh shhh…don’t be so ridiculous”
- You imagine the philharmonic orchestra playing the wedding march as you ecstatically skip down the aisle.
- You delete all dating apps.
“It’s not that I’m in a relationship – I just can’t be bothered anymore”
- When suddenly, for no reason – communication lessens.
- You walk 1000 miles to randomly find something that you ‘casually’ bumped into giving you an excuse to send him a message in an attempt to start a conversation:“Omg – saw this and thought of you!”
- If they don’t reply within the approapriate time frame (0-1 hours) you will experience a range from emotions:i) Questioning everything you’ve ever done.
bii) Sadness and pity for your broken heart.
iii) “Fuck everything.”
- Then the message comes …
… And all is right with the world again.
- Almost – the brief silence has created paranoia.
- Commence: Stalking Stage.
- The ultimate betrayal. A like on another girls instagram picture.
- Then worse – HE’S COMMENTED.
- Creating rage against said random girl.
…Only to discover they are being faithful. That girl on Instagram was their cousin.
- You get smashed, paranoid and all those other fantastic qualities you’ve hidden) and ask: “What are we?” after two weeks of dating.
- Put phone on silent, archive his messages, regret every life choice ever made.
- He replies:
“Lets just be friends…”Even though there was no friendship before – we don’t find each other funny and you NEVER talk to me.
- And so begin the 48 hours of mourning:
– Re-downloading the apps
– Convincing yourself you did nothing wrong
– Friends spouting out recycled one liners;
“If he can’t handle you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best” (cheers Marilyn)…“It’s not you, it’s him…”
- Come to terms with the truth…