#7 The Armageddon Of First Dates

The Who’s Dating Who Date? Cont.

Where we met: Whilst I was meant to be on a double date with his friend and he with mine.

Attraction: Everything.
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The Day after the date:

I wasn’t feeling well…
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So I popped outside for a breath of fresh air (and projectile vomited all over the entrance to Argos).

I messaged my housemate to let her know how it went.

I’VE RUINED EVERYTHING
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“I’m sure you haven’t. What happened?”

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The Date:

I arrived at his, a loft conversion in the North of London that he was soon to convert into a cocktail/coffee club for members only.

“This is amazing! How can you afford all this?”

“I’m an entrepreneur. I work with companies that are suffering financially and either help them or sell them off to more profitable pastures.”

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I tried to relate.

“I spose I’m a bit like an entrepreneur too”

“How??”
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“OK. Do you want a drink?”

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It was like a scene straight out of Pretty Woman …

Half a pint of gin and a few glasses of prosecco later it became a scene pre – Richard Gere.

My date had mentioned the building used to be used for pornographic feature films.

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I had another glass (pint) of gin, it all went hazy…and I turned into a monster.

The vast empty space left so much room for activities.

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And so it began…
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I stole lines from popular films.

“Call me Cat…”
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And performed a special one on one performance for a my date. I would like to think it went like this…
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But realistically it probably went like this.
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Once I had “seduced” my date.

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I began the mating ritual and became vocal.
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“Can we slow this down Debbie?!!”

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He refused, but Kitty Kat denied his opposition:

“Come on cunt – what’s your fantasy?”

“YOU LEAVING!!”
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So I took that to mean being aggressively grappled.

GET HIM OUT NOW

“NO!!!…Seriously get off my belt!”

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I took his (definitely not aroused) penis in my hand.

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM?!”

YOU. YOU ARE WHATS WRONG. Right, that’s it – OUT. NOW CAT”
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“I’m booking you a taxi Debbie!”
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We stopped at a restaurant (fast food chain).

“What do you want? Make it quick.”

“Chicken Mcsandwich meal, with coke and a free cheeseburger”

“It’s not free”

“Can you pay for it?”
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My date and I finished our meals (I threw the gherkins from my burger on the floor).

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Then caught my taxi home.


Housemate:

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