#8 The Pity Date

#6 The Marine Cont.

Where we met: In a coffee shop two years ago, I’d had strong recommendations from mutual friends.

Attraction: 12404112_10209093587603033_2033681930_n.

We decided to spontaneously meet up (I’d been stood up) on a Thursday evening, I was feeling a little low (suicidal) after a string of unfortunate dates.

“I’ll be there in two – don’t move.”

I waited, and began to question the meaning of life.
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My knight in shining armour appeared (in the form of an angry 5”6 blond, my housemate, Laura.)

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OH get over it! You didn’t even know what he looked like!”

“Seriously, Laura I might stop “minding the gap”.
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She tried to take me to a rooftop bar. The weather wasn’t great (luckily I own an umbrella which could cover a picnic table). We skipped down the streets singing in the rain (getting stuck in tight spaces as my umbrella got wedged between lamp posts and walls).

“That thing is ridiculous”
“I feel like Mary Poppins!”
“You look like an idiot”
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We reached the bar: “Sorry the rooftop is closed” (for the first time in 5 years) and tried to choose a new location (“Debbie, we are not going to Pizza Express, I just travelled an hour to get here…”)

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“Don’t you dare have a tantrum. Look, we can catch a bus to the next place?” (My housemate and I have a shared loved of London buses.)
“OK!!”

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We arrived at the Breakfast club in Shoreditch: “haha look at that bellend in a cloak” (turns out “that bellend” is the Mayor who decides whether you are allowed through the SMEG fridge into the downstairs bar.)
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We decided to wait and grab a bite to eat, my eyes went straight to the All- American (everything on this plate will probably give you an early heart attack) breakfast.

Laura: “Shall we share two meals? I really fancy that and the breakfast burrito?”
“Yeh maybe”… (i.e I don’t like anything else on the menu.)
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The waitress came over and took our order:

Laura: “Can we both have the All-American breakfast. It’s like taking a child our for dinner.”
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We waited a few minutes (years) for the food to arrive (“Laura, I’m too hungry to speak – sorry”.)
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But then it did (and my world changed), whilst eating (inhaling) my food the waitress came over to make sure everything was ok:

“Yeah it’s delicious, thank you – Debbie?”
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I felt a lot happier (buzzing) after food, I’d never actually had maple syrup on anything before.
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We made our way through the fridge to the hidden bar downstairs, took our seats and carried on chatting about how fantastic 2015 has been so far:

“How do you get rid of Pornhub as your top website on the homepage?”

And discussed possible love interests: “Laura, I might just go on a date with Bob the Bellend” – “NO, his fantasy is you getting naked, crawling into a little ball and pissing on you” – “Yeah, to turn me into a flower!” – “Debbie seriously
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Then ordered some warming drinks, the waiter suggested buttered rum: “Mmmmm it smells like Christmas!!”
BUT IT TASTES LIKE REINDEER FART!!

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And began our favourite past time…people watching.

Laura: “Awww look at that couple – they’re so cute”

GET A FUCKING ROOM

“OH MY GOD SHUT YOUR HOLE!!! But seriously, do you think we’ll ever find love?”

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…No

To remember our date Laura wanted to get a nice photo with the Mayor in his cloak, but was too embarrassed to ask so I stepped in. (“Excuse me, my friend is having a right little strop can she get a photo with you?”)

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After Laura’s photo- shoot (“Debbie that’s fucking horrible!” – “No it’s not…”)
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We caught the tube home and headed back to the flat:

“Laura, can we have a sleepover?”
“Absolutely not”
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“I know you haven’t washed your bath towels in months”
Fine.”

2 hours later…

LAURA!!
“Seriously, I’m trying to sleep what is it now?”

“I’VE GOT A DATE WITH BOB THE BELLEND ON WEDNESDAY!”

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