#6 The Marine Cont.
Where we met: In a coffee shop two years ago, I’d had strong recommendations from mutual friends.
We decided to spontaneously meet up (I’d been stood up) on a Thursday evening, I was feeling a little low (suicidal) after a string of unfortunate dates.
“I’ll be there in two – don’t move.”
My knight in shining armour appeared (in the form of an angry 5”6 blond, my housemate, Laura.)
“OH get over it! You didn’t even know what he looked like!”
She tried to take me to a rooftop bar. The weather wasn’t great (luckily I own an umbrella which could cover a picnic table). We skipped down the streets singing in the rain (getting stuck in tight spaces as my umbrella got wedged between lamp posts and walls).
We reached the bar: “Sorry the rooftop is closed” (for the first time in 5 years) and tried to choose a new location (“Debbie, we are not going to Pizza Express, I just travelled an hour to get here…”)
“Don’t you dare have a tantrum. Look, we can catch a bus to the next place?” (My housemate and I have a shared loved of London buses.)
We arrived at the Breakfast club in Shoreditch: “haha look at that bellend in a cloak” (turns out “that bellend” is the Mayor who decides whether you are allowed through the SMEG fridge into the downstairs bar.)
We decided to wait and grab a bite to eat, my eyes went straight to the All- American (everything on this plate will probably give you an early heart attack) breakfast.
The waitress came over and took our order:
But then it did (and my world changed), whilst eating (inhaling) my food the waitress came over to make sure everything was ok:
We made our way through the fridge to the hidden bar downstairs, took our seats and carried on chatting about how fantastic 2015 has been so far:
“How do you get rid of Pornhub as your top website on the homepage?”
And discussed possible love interests: “Laura, I might just go on a date with Bob the Bellend” – “NO, his fantasy is you getting naked, crawling into a little ball and pissing on you” – “Yeah, to turn me into a flower!” – “Debbie seriously”
Then ordered some warming drinks, the waiter suggested buttered rum: “Mmmmm it smells like Christmas!!”
“BUT IT TASTES LIKE REINDEER FART!!”
And began our favourite past time…people watching.
Laura: “Awww look at that couple – they’re so cute”
“GET A FUCKING ROOM”
“OH MY GOD SHUT YOUR HOLE!!! But seriously, do you think we’ll ever find love?”
To remember our date Laura wanted to get a nice photo with the Mayor in his cloak, but was too embarrassed to ask so I stepped in. (“Excuse me, my friend is having a right little strop can she get a photo with you?”)
We caught the tube home and headed back to the flat:
“I know you haven’t washed your bath towels in months”
2 hours later…
“Seriously, I’m trying to sleep what is it now?”
“I’VE GOT A DATE WITH BOB THE BELLEND ON WEDNESDAY!”