A Festive Round-Up

1) Coming home for Christmas

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After my 12 dates (of hell) I was looking forward to a peaceful Christmas with my family (“Oh mum chill out. I’m not actually doing a sequel to Debbie Does Dallas”). My parents hadn’t seen me for ages (since mother had discovered DD) and were excited to catch up. (“Anymore young lady and I’m telling your father!“)
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I called my sister to chat about train times (“I’m never coming home”) and she booked our tickets (“I’ve booked your ticket. You can’t hide from this forever”)

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We arrived at Paddington and boarded the train: “Right. Here’s your ticket, we’re seat 39 and 40 (then went our separate ways, my sister hadn’t realised the seats were on different carriages.)

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I took my seat and realised the one next to me was empty. I was going to message my sister, but then:

“Debbie, the man I’m sat next to has started chucking peoples coats out the luggage rack to make space for his suitcase – he’s now starting a fight. Please say there’s space with you?!!”

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“Sorry. Absolutely crammed in here.”


2) Christmas Eve

My parents rarely get to see me and my sister together (I tend to avoid any opportunities for direct comparison) and enjoy using Christmas as a time to have a family catch up:

“So how’s London going? Anything exciting coming up??”

Sister: “Work is going great – got a huge campaign happening but it’s all very confidential at the moment and I’m off to Rome in the New Year!“

Dad: “Wow! Debbie?”

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“……think it’s time for bed, Santa won’t come if you’re awake.”

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3) Christmas Morning

One always filled with festive cheer and excitement! (And my parents fear for a repeat of Christmas 1995).

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(I never got my pet hamster.)

We exchanged presents in the morning. I received the usual; chocolates, socks soap…(deodorant, a magic wand) and a few unexpected extras: gloves and a ring. Worn singularly nothing of significance – but together…

“Oh my god. Mum look.”
“What?”
“My hand – LOOK!
“What about your hand…”
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“This is the greatest Christmas ever.”
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4) Christmas Lunch

My mother had put on a fantastic spread as usual (“two pig and blankets each Debbie, give those back to your sister”). After we finished dinner (eating seven pigs in blanket: “mum I eat once a year, I need these more than her”) we pulled the crackers, then watched my sister guess the punch line to every joke and master her magic trick within seconds (whilst I sat quietly drilling a hole into the 200 year old table with my miniature tool kit).

My sister and father discussed past family holidays (whilst my mother grabbed the mini screw driver off me: “DEBBIE THAT IS A FAMILY HEIRLOOM!! STOP IT”)and then dad brought up some fond memories of my upbringing:

“Remember that time you got completely drunk and embarrassed the family at your sisters 21st

“Yep” (It’s Not Your Party And You Can’t Cry If You Want Too)

“And when you spent the night in a cell?!”

“Yep – worse 12 hours of my life, thanks for the reminder dad.”

“Or when you tried to poison your mother and I by putting salt in our tea?!!”

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Mother: “Alright that’s enough you two – who’s doing the washing up?”

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5) Christmas Evening

We spent most of the evening relaxing in front of the TV (not watching festive movies) watching the DVD my sister had (stupidly) bought my father for Christmas (for TWO HOURS.)
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As Christmas drew to a close my mum quickly popped in to say goodnight. It was my final evening at home before heading back to London for a wedding.

“Look Debbie, the internet is a scary place and what you are putting out there is very explicit.”

“Mum it’s not that bad, there’s loads of things like it out there.”

“Like what?”

“Nothing immediately springs to mind.”

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“Also I didn’t bring this up in front of your father as you still owe us money from your “mini break” to Australia…”

(The Holiday Romance (Nightmare)

“ – but I had your tax rebate come through. Now this is to go back into your savings. Ok Debb -”

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My mum handed over the letter:

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Savings young lady.”

“SOD THAT – I’M GOING TO AMERICA!!!”
“America?!!! When are you going there?!”
“In April for a music festival…”
(message housemate: “LAURA, I’M COMING TO VEGAS!!“)
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“Debbie this won’t cover that.”
“Mum, there’s three digits on this piece of paper…”

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DEBBIE!! WHO IS GOING TO PAY FOR YOUR NEXT BOOB JOB IN FOUR YEA -“
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