16 Reasons To Not Get Back With The Ex In 2016

Being dumped is upsetting (it’s shite):  “I’m not ready…” – “Our lives are going in different directions.” (“You need to wash more.“)

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YOUR PENIS TRIPPED AND FELL INTO ANOTHER HOLE.

It’s made only more tedious by everyone asking “are you ok?” (I’ve just been dumped, my arse could be mistaken for my back and a man just yelled “she’s a four” when  I was getting off the tube.)
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Things aren’t great (they’re fucking awful) but they will be.

Let us begin.
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1) Looking back, at the start of this relationship was he really the dream or did you just settle…?
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2) No more nights of paranoia and panic.

“Why is he online?! It’s 1am.”
“He’s probably just chatting to a friend.”
“Yeah, a friend with a fucking vagina
“Go to sleep.”

HE’S ONLINE AGAIN!!!
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3) No  more of this bollocks“Shall we share a dessert?”
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4) Instead of spending hours stalking their Instagram pictures (and their follower’s pictures, every person who has ever liked their photos pictures… and so on) use those hours on things that really matter in life.

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5) You can do all that weird stuff you’ve been hiding that would probably get you put in a home (let alone dumped).
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6) Spend quality time with your friends you’ve neglected.

“Is this really sad?”
“Probably…”

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7) Use this as a reason to shed that holiday weight and post slender shots on Instagram.

(Or drink your body weight in vodka and celebrate being single forever.)
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8) Start that hobby you’ve been lying about on your CV for the past 10 years.

“I dabble in professional singing”
“Really?”
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10) Now is the opportunity to try the apps you’ve heard so many great things about…

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11) Why not experiment with your sexuality – everyones doing it! I’m on Grindr posing as a transgender called Dangerous Derek.
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11) Worried about going it alone – try Double and swipe as a pair. Chat as a four via the app and have a fun, sociable date (if it gets that far).

“Debbie can you just stop it!? I would like a date this year.”
“I’m not doing anything…”
You just told them to search us on Pornhub

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12) You will find someone new (probably worse – but hey! We’re here for a good time – not a long time).
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13) Yes, the make up sex could be mind blowing. But getting totally bollocksed, waking up still bollocksed, climbing over the 8ft gated entrance to your new boyfriend’s castle and navigating home from the outskirts of London with no money, phone (or trousers) – now that is impressive.

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14) And don’t forget the time your friend threatened to get back with their mental ex boyfriend who shat on the roof their car…

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Listen to your own advice: 

NO GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS.

15) Things will get easier. Your friends will stop asking if you’re ok and instead laugh at those times where they had to lie in fear of hurting your feelings:

HA – Remember when you sent him a naked selfie and he didn’t talk to you for three days?”

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16) This is a learning curb.

Never let anyone make you feel like a yellow starburst.
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