1) You randomly see the number 69 whilst walking down the street. Do you..
a) Think little of it – you’re not 14 anymore.
b) Point at the number – scream “WHEEYY” and begin skipping down the street chanting: “LADS LADS LADS”
c) Reflect on a past time where you had been in that position with a lover. Spend the following hour stalking said ex lover on social media.
d) Take a snapchat of the number and send it to your current toyboy with the caption: “Fancy it?”
2) You’re trying to decide what to wear on a first date. Do you pick…
a) Smart trousers and a nice top, nothing too showy – you don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
b) Iron man costume.
c) Something that will look good in the instagram picture to let your followers (ex-boyfriend) know you are off on a hot date – but probably looks a little OTT on your date in Wetherspoons.
d) Leather, no bra, backless. Anything that retracts attention from your face.
3) He offers to buy you a drink, do you choose…
a) A small G&T or glass of wine.
b) Glass of milk.
c) A cosmopolitan – so sassy and sophisticated #cosmos
d) A large everything.
4) How long do you wait till the first time you sleep with a new partner?
a) There’s no specific time limit just whenever it feels right.
b) At every opportunity I dress up like a pig, jump on fours and yell “PORK ME – OINK”
c) You tell everyone “at least four dates, I’m not putting out for just anyone” but usually get too drunk and put out on the second.
d) Half an hour.
5) When was your last relationship?
a) A few months ago.
b) I grew a really strong emotional attachment to my hamster when I was 13.
c) Yesterday – but from the continual updates on social media it feels a lot longer to everyone else.
d) Next joke.
6) What qualities do you look for in a guy?
a) Similar interests, driven – ambitious and respectful.
b) Sausage dog owner.
c) Someone who will look good in photos and make my ex boyfriend jealous.
d) If he texts back – he’ll do.
7) You’re at a wedding and see a past lover who is in a new relationship. Do you…
a) Go over and make polite conversation commenting on the beautiful day.
b) Walk up to him with determination, look him straight in the eye and say:
“I’m always available if you ever want to break up with your girlfriend. Just say the words and I can make her disappear – forever.”
c) Attempt to ignore him then get too drunk and have a heart to heart about your most personal feelings you wouldn’t tell your best friend let alone ex.
d) Don’t notice. Too busy dogging with another ex-lover.
8) Your friend posts a romantic Valentines’ Day status about her perfect life with dog child and boyfriend. Do you…
a) Without hesitation hit the like button.
b) Report it.
c) Comment with a paragraph underneath saying how happy you are for them, then write a poem about being alone.
d) Hit like because you are a good friend – but then screen shot with a private message: “mate, keep it in the bedroom” – because you are also the most honest friend.
9) How are you going to spend this Valentines Day?
a) Probably with my friends – getting on with more important things.
b) Standing on the street with a boom box playing Christina Aguleira yelling: “I AM BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY” pointing at passers by.
c) Cry for 12 hours then post something on social media about “I’m a single, independent woman” then cry for another two swiping through Tinder.
d) Treat yourself to an extra wank – always look after number one.
Mostly A’s – You are Emma Watson
You probably get the phrase: “How are you single?! Christ, if you can’t find a man, fuck knows what I’m going to do”. You are a respectable person who will find a suitable partner (sooner rather than later please – I can’t compete with this) and continue to over achieve at everything else.
Mostly B’s – You are Alan
There is a medial reason why you are single. You are not ok and should probably seek professional help.
Mostly C’s – You are Taylor Swift
Take all those motivational quotes on your social media accounts and turn it into a catchy song.
People will be more inclined to listen to your struggle.
“WHO RUN’S THE WORLD?!”
Mostly D’s – You are Samantha Jones
Never get a boyfriend – keep doing what you’re doing.
Love your work.