A Night At The Museum

On Paper:

An evening at The Natural History Museum, the chance to step into the world of dinosaurs and watch them come to life after dark…

keep an eye out for the homoerectosaurus – he’ll get ya! 

In Reality:

The Natural History Museum late only happens once a month. My initial Tinder date had gone quiet and just when I thought all hope was lost…

“Dangerous Debbie! My name’s Colin, I’m a friend of a guy you matched with on Tinder he said we’d be a great match! What do you reckon?”

 I showed my housemate:

“As if your Tinder matches are now setting you up with people! You’re not that desperate Debs.”

“Yeah no way!”

Yes I am.

“Hi Colin, great to hear from you – how do you like dinosaurs?”

The date was arranged. I did my research (watched Jurrassic park three times).
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And looked up the website to see if there were any events happening that could be a fun ice breaker. Then…

“We regret to inform you the Dinosaur zone is not open to the public at this time.”

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I messaged my date and  put a positive spin on the disappointing news:

“We can’t see the dinosaurs, however I also have a long body with sticky little arms, so we’re practically the same thing.”

“Don’t oversell yourself…”

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We met in the station at High Street Kensington. He was a towering 6”6 so I spotted him immediately, he took a little longer to realise who I was – he’d only seen my pictures on Tinder. (I would be completely unrecognisable unless I was wearing a bikini on a beach.)

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I attempted some polite conversation on the walk there:

“Where did you go to Uni?”
“I went to Portsmouth, you?”
“I nearly went to Bournemouth.”

“Great.”

After attempting to make a link between two places, as they both ended with “mouth”, I was grateful when we finally arrived and he ordered a bottle of wine (then less grateful when the girl serving us tried to have “banter” with my date).

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We headed to the first Zone to learn about Volcanoes and rocks (I continued making unrelated conversation).

“That soil formation looks like my old worm farm.”
“Worm farm?”

“Moving on…” (I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up.)

There was the chance to get involved with a few interactive activities.

“Press this red button to see how waves are formed.”

I arrogantly slammed the button impatiently waiting for something to happen – then it did.

“RUN COLIN!!”

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We managed to seek refuge from the tidal wave in a Korean Supermarket.

“Why the fuck is this here?”

The museum had heard our mocking tones – the ground began to shake…

IT’S AN EARTHQUAKE!!!!”
“Debbie it’s just a simulator.”

“ARMAGEDDON IS COMING – GET OUT NOW!!”

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After that terrifying ordeal.

*Dramatisation may have increased after being told we weren’t allowed to drink in the actual museum so downed a bottle of wine on entry.

We were grateful to enter the solar system section and began learning about the planets:

“Pluto is now classed as a dwarfed planet, it is made of mostly ice with a rocky core.” 

My date made some unsettling comparisons.

“Sounds like my ex girlfriend.”

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“More wine?”

We headed back to the bar and bought another glass (bottle) of wine – the alcohol bringing out my best qualities:

“You flirting with that slut again?”
“Debbie I said thank you.”

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My date had booked us a show for 8pm and as it neared we did a quick whip round the evolution of humans.

(I laughed at a skeleton for 10 minutes.)
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Then got a photo next to one of our long lost relatives.
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Then missed the first 15 minutes of the show as I was left to navigate:

“If we just walk straight-”
“We have been walking straight for 20 minutes…”
“Do you have any better ideas?!”

We turned left and found the show.

Whatever…
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What was an expected hour lecture on rocks – turned out to be two hours of improvised comedy by a group called “The Wunderkammer”.

I hadn’t mentioned to my date that when I find something really funny  (luckily I have stopped wetting myself) my laugh is yet to progress from one loud syllable.
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“What the fuck was that?”
“Sorry…”

The group continued

And I continued

Fog horn followed by silent shakes – then throwing my head back and fourth, applauding every joke.

“Debbie you need to keep it down – that noise is silencing the room.

“OH FUCK OFF – this is my Friday night.”

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The show ended at 10pm and we headed out the museum. Then I saw it.

At the top of the stairs – the man I have admired since the age of 10.

“We have to get a photo with him.”
“Debbie the museum is closed. We aren’t allowed up there.”
“I’ll deal with this.”

I approached the guards.

“PLEASE let us up those stairs.”
“Sorry Madame we can-”
“I am one photo away from this date being a perfect 10.”
“A what?”
“JUST FUCKING MOVE – COME ON COLIN.”

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Cost: Free (with a voluntary donation.)

Dangerous Rating:

“I can’t believe we’re getting a photo with Albus Dumbledore.”
“Debbie – that’s Charles Darwin?”

“Shut up and smile.”
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