How Not To Bridesmaid: The Preparation (Part One)

At the end of last year a dear friend from university asked me to be her bridesmaid, we’d always been close and had lived next door to one another at University (I used to yell her name and bang on the wall whilst having sex with my boyfriends.)

“Debbie can you stop it!”

“But it’s funny!”

“It’s weird.”


Even when she stayed over at her boyfriend’s (soon to be husband) I occasionally (accidentally) slept over in her bed.


“I honestly have no idea – I must’ve sleep walked in here.”

“Go back to your own room!”

“…I can’t”



Some were a little surprised (very worried) at my new position in the wedding party:

Annabelle (the Bride’s mother): “Emma, are you sure you want Barbie as a bridesmaid? The last blog of hers I read she broke into the best man’s bedroom…”

“She’’ll be fine.”


“…I’ll tell the best man to keep his windows locked.”



Organising the Hen Do

Emma had asked seven other girls to also be bridesmaids, so we all took on our different roles.

I was left in charge of the uni lot, Lorna another friend from uni was also bridesmaid however she had a reasonable excuse for not being able to help organise the girls:

“What do you mean you aren’t coming Lorna?! Why?!!”

“Debs I’m pregnant!”

“Oh…K that’s fair.”

Barcelona was the decided location, accommodation for 25 was getting arranged and the activities were beginning to get booked up.

I was ignoring all real responsibilities and had created my own…

The Bum Bag

Whilst all the uni girls were messaging trying to find out the dates of the hen do and what flights to get:

“Debbie – what is happening? Where are we staying?!”

“Elaine, I don’t have time to look! I’m too busy.”

I was too busy collecting 25 random bits of shite to put in these bag to make them “fun” and useful…

  • Disposable cameras
  • Magnifying glasses
  • Sunglasses
  • Condoms
  • Paracetamol
  • A pair of socks


The Asda Drug Run:

“Right Dad – we are only allowed to buy two packs of paracetamol at a time and we need six packs so everyone can have two pills each.”

“Debbie this is ridiculou-”

“Quiet.  We need to head to different cashpoints and purchase two packs, then smuggle another one in the vegetables. Act normal.”


One month before the Hen, I decided to start being organised and responsible and book my flights.

…the worst flights in history.

Living in London I love a bargain (I CAN’T AFFORD ANYTHING ELSE) so I tend to always book the cheapest flight. As long as it gets me from A to B, not bothered (however this flight was going to take me to A B C and fucking D.)

“Mum can I borrow some money?”

“Why now?”

“I might of accidentally booked flights to Barcelona which have a stop over in France and need a new one.”



If the stop over had been two, three hours fine. However this stop over:

“Mum, please I have a 12 hour stop over in Paris on the way home!”

“Let this be a lesson to you to actually read stuff before booking.”

These flights became only more stressful as the hen do approached:

On the phone to the AIRFRANCE:

“Hello how can we help you today?”

“Well I have a stop over in Paris on flight F0668 – do I have to collect my luggage during the stop over or can I just leave it on the plane?”

“You have to collect it – you’re catching your connecting flight at a different airport…“


“…So you will fly into Orly and need to make your way to other side of Paris to Charles De Galle.”

“And how much will that be?”

“Depends – bus around 50 euro return, or taxis are usually a safe bet but they’re 70 euro and you could get stuck in traffic… You just don’t know.”




The Day Before the Hen

Flights were booked, activities sorted – some still questioning a few:

“Trust me, we have nothing to worry about. Everyone loves a stripper.”

(Hindsight: Not everyone loves a stripper…)

The bum bags had been delivered with the Bride’s Spanish costume:

“One size fits most.”

(Hid that packaging)

Then I checked my emails…

We regret to inform you there is an air strike happening in France which could create severe delays or cancellations on many flights.”









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