How Not To Bridesmaid: The Activities (Part Two)

How Not To Bridesmaid: The Preparation (Part One) Continued.

Fortunately my flight was not cancelled and only suffered minor delays.

I managed to navigate my way through Paris and catch my connecting flight. After landing in Barcelona I joined one of the other girls who was also on an earlier flight and together we caught a taxi to the apartment.

I was feeling a little smug about all of the above…


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Then I got to know the other girl and the reality of the my life as a whole knocked my smugness back into check.

“What is it that you do Stacey?”

“I used to work in America as a designer for Abercrombie – but I recently started working for a company in Germany as I felt like it was ready to move on to the next challenge – What do you do?”

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“…This and that

Write about putting out on the first date and spend every night hysterically crying to The Notebook yelling…

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We arrived and began to decorate (destroy) the ancient Spanish architecture (sticking pictures of the bride all over walls with selotape). At 5pm the first two Uni girls arrived and we began working on the number one priority of the hen do.

My bum bags.

“Jenna you are responsible for putting the paracetamol and condoms in the bags, Becky take the lead on the socks and magnifying glasses, I’ll do sunglasses and cameras. Stacey… you just keep doing whatever you are doing in life – you’re doing a great job.”

Whilst I was doing some last minute quality control of the bum bags:

“JENNA WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! THERE ARE NO CONDOMS IN THIS BAG!”

“Sorry Debs I didn’t mean to-“

“NO EXCUSES – GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR GET OUT”

I felt a strange nagging feeling, I knew there was something I hadn’t done.

But (as always) I ignored the problem and carried on with life.

At 7pm we were still waiting for the other girls so decided to go out and buy a few bottles of champagne and 11 packets of crisps for when they arrived (then accidentally ate and drank the lot within 30 minutes).

We finally received a phone call from Anna, another Bridesmaid at 9pm:

“Debs we’ve just landed!”

I knew the bridesmaids had been worried that I was going to be the first to arrive – so was feeling quite proud of myself…

“Great! We’re in the apartment – it’s all decorated for your arrival!”
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“Well done Debs! Have you decorated both apartments?”

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“You know the smaller apartment for the 8 bridesmaids and the bride…”

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“You have checked into the other one haven’t you?”

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I immediately started going through all my documents (screen shots) and there it was with a note:

“Expected check in time 5pm – there will be a charge for late arrivals.”

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I ran down the street and found the owner, she began yelling:

‘You owe me Euro, I’ve been waiting hours”

“Sorry – I don’t have any Euros!!”

“No excuses, you pay me 70 euro before you leave on Monday”

Fine! But please don’t tell the others…”

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At 11pm the rest of the party arrived (after getting barbarically lost on the tram):

“Debs please tell me you got food we haven’t eaten since 2?!”

I looked from the 17 girls who had just arrived to the one crisp left on the table…

“…I’ve got cigarettes?”

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The Boat Trip

The following morning we awoke (to grey overcast cloud) and made our way to the harbour trying to remain positive about the dismal weather:

“At least when we’re swimming we won’t feel the cold as much.”

 And were greeted by the Captain:

“Guys unfortunately there will be no swimming allowed due to the weather conditions.”

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We got on the boat as a stag group left almost immediately, all obviously disappointed by the weather.

And not from the false advertising from the boats website…

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So we set sail and made the most of what we had (and turned the boat it into a children’s play area).

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“HIGHER ELAINE!! HIGHER!!”

The captain began yelling: “THAT IS NOT A TRAMPOLINE!! Maximum of 10 people on there.”

We listened…

Then ignored and all piled on.
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After an hour of bouncing we all headed back inside and had some lunch (a cold sausage).

I tried to lighten the looks from my starving crew mates who now hadn’t eaten in 14 hours.

“It’s fine, this evening we’ve got like an 8 course meal!”

…of tapas.

We finished food and the majority began dancing to keep warm.

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One however, who goes by the nickname ‘President Putin’ got caught on camera plotting world domination:

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And after three hours (of baltic ocean conditions) the boat returned to the Harbour and we collected our belongings:

“WHO THE FUCK HAS PUT RUBBISH IN MY BEACH BAG?!”

“Debbie that’s a Sainburys carrier bag?”

“Exactly… so no one would think to steal it.”

Not just a pretty pair of breasts.
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And we made our way back to the apartments.

Lying to one another…

“I think the weather being so cold and shit made it more fun!”

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And prepared for the following activity we had planned.

The Stripper

He arrived at 7:15.

Someone accidentally told the bride at 7:18.

Everything I thought I knew about this world fell apart at 7:19…

“What do you mean Emma doesn’t want the stripper?! Everyone wants a stripper”

Magic Mike is the greatest creation since Adam and Eve?!

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“Her fiancé won’t be happy about it Debbie. Someone else is going to have to take him.”

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“Not you.”

“Who then?”

So I resorted to Plan B.

“Hannah Kent you don’t have a boyfriend or fiancé who cares. Get on that seat now.”

“But Debbie he stinks-”

“Shut up and be grateful.

And he began his routine…

“GIRLS, WHO WANTS ME TO TAKE OFF THIS CLOTH?!”

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(It was all very uncomfortable and he left shortly after.)

“How much did he cost Debbie?”
“Oh, nothing really”

HALF THE FUCKING HEN DO. 


The following day we had no activities planned so decided to let everyone do their own thing. Me and most of the girls headed to the beach but some of the uni girls went off “sightseeing”…

At 5pm we all headed back to our apartments, when I received a phone call:

“Debbie, you need to get here now.”

“Why?”

“It’s one of the Uni girls. Somethings happened.”

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To be continued…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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