An evening of Shakespeare to set the mood for the perfect first date…
Before the days of swiping to find true love; there was courting, catching a stranger’s eye at the bar, meeting over a coffee…
…And a little bit after that there were chat rooms – messaging paedohiles and putting your life in danger and parents nerves on continual high alert.
“YOUNG LADY GET OFF THOSE CHAT ROOMS!!”
“But mummy I’m talking to Prince Harry!!”
“NO! You are talking to Pr1nceH4rry – off now.”
So when I told my housemate of this date she had similar concerns:
“Debbie – no absolutely not, this is getting ridiculous.”
“Oh Laura don’t be such a prude. People meet all the time via email.”
So we continued messaging (emailing) and he suggested the idea of going to a stage production called “Shitfaced Shakespeare”, I’d never heard of it so asked my housemate:
“Sounds like he’s going to get you bollocksed.”
I arrived outside the theatre and waited for my date. Through the crowds I saw someone approaching, a stooping height of 6’7 (he’d said height wouldn’t be an issue). As he came closer my fear began building, his eyes refusing to leave my own.
But then he spoke:
“It’s wonderful to finally meet you Debbie! I’m very much looking forward to this evening.”
We headed inside the theatre arm in arm and took our seats as he explained how the show worked:
“So one of the actors get completely drunk whilst the others remain sober.”
“Sounds like every night of my life.”
The play started, “A Midsummer Nights Dream” and the four lovers took to the stage:
– Hermia is in love with Lysander
– Lysander is in love with Hermia
– Demetrius is also in love with Hermia
– Helena is in love with Demetrius (but no one is in love with her).
It immediately became apparent which one had just consumed a bottle of gin, he called his fellow actors by their actual names, falling out of character and yelling at “Hermia” in laymans terms:
Lysander: “You are so frigid Beth.”
My date and I howled whilst the other actors attempted to stay professional:
Hermia: “Lysander my name is Hermia – who speakith Beth?”
Helena: “Yes Lysander – why do you speak so foul mouthed? Have you spoken with Demetrius – he is but my true love-”
Lysander: “Oh shut up Helena – no one fancies you, you long giraffe.”
My date felt me stiffen:
“Debbie are you ok?”
I tried to shake off the painful similarities between Helena and I but then it got too much…
Hermia: “The more I hate, the more he follows me.”
Helena: “The more I love, the more he hateth me.”
I sat there for the rest of the performance, recounting moments in my adolescence – always the MUF (Mandatory Ugly Friend), the third wheel…
But then, during the interval – I found my inner strength.
“Debbie what do you want to drink?”
“- of wine.”
The performance came to an end with rapturous applause, and my date and I headed out to another bar (with my newfound confidence):
We drank more (and more) and I preached about the injustice of this world (yelling random quotes I’d seen on pinterest):
“Why should I need a man?! You should find happiness with yourself and not rely on anyone else!”
Then we went home.
…To his home.
For the play: 10 out of 10
The date however…
I awoke the following day – in a room I didn’t recognise, by a tall man I vaguely remembered, then looked underneath the duvet…
(Feminism bullcrap out the window.)
I felt my date stirring, so I returned to my usual stance when I want to avoid life.
Then his hand reached over and touched my naked breast…
…And he whispered:
“Her nipples were so hard they could’ve cut through glass…”
A line from my very first blog post.
And I pelted.
“Debbie! Wait – can I see you again?!”
“Sorry I don’t do second dates.”
Never talk to strangers on the internet.