Feeling inspired after the Olympics? Why not take dating off ground and try bouncing to glory!
I had high (marriage) hopes for this one. He was a fellow (real) writer, understood the difference between your and you’re and we shared a mutual friend (she’d dated him three months before):
Friend: “Debbie, Alan is a really nice guy…”
“Yeah, but he’s also really religious.”
“Me too. I love Christmas!”
“Ok. But Debbie it’s just a bit weird – coz you know I’ve been there.”
“But do you actually mind?”
“Well, you’re one of my best friends so it does feel a bit odd. Just think about it from my point of view.”
So we continued messaging and somehow (fuck knows how) decided on this date:
Housemate: “And where are you going this evening?”
“Oh my fucking god. I would pay to see this.”
“Shut up Laura and help me practise.”
I arrived at the venue and met my date:
“Debbie shall we meet at the entrance once we’re changed?”
I headed inside the changing rooms, looked to the mirror and prepped myself for the greatest date of my life.
And so it began…
My confidence plummeted the moment we entered.
“Will you stop bouncing so hard Alan?!”
“Debbie, you can’t just stand there!”
I attempted to overcome my insecurities (nothing looks attractive bouncing ) and play “shy”.
“Alan – maybe if you didn’t watch me, I’d be able to bounce?”
“Debbie everyone can bounce, jump-”
“FUCKING TURN AROUND.”
Then that failed.
“ALAN I’VE BROKEN EVERYTHING.”
We (he) decided to have a “timeout” from bouncing and give the other activities in the park a go.
“Debbie there’s a basketball ring over there, you must be good at that!”
“Because you’re tall.”
Then we attempted to joust with the gladiator props.
“COME ON! HIT ME ALAN!!”
“Debbie I don’t wanna be a dick-”
“Come on ya weak cunt!”
“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HIT ME”
“Debbie you told me to!”
My date left to go play on the monkey bars and bouncing walls – whilst I found solace in a safer place.
“Debbie, seriously where have you gone now?!”
“In the pit.”
…Oh for god’s sake.”
I looked at my date, the pity filled his eyes as I tried to explain:
“I’m more useless than an inflatable dartboard. ”
“No you’re not, let’s go over there -”
“I’m pretty sure that parts for babies.”
We went over and I began bouncing, higher and higher. My fear vanished and was replaced with a sense of real accomplishment…
“Well done Debbie! You’re really good at bouncing!”
Then I saw something else “bouncing”
“Alan, I want to go home.”
“But you’re getting really good at bouncing-”
We (I) stormed past the springy 6 yr old.
“Are you quite finished?!”
“Yes. I’ll be in the cafe.”
Cost: Nothing is worth that amount of embarrassment.
We walked back to the station (in single file) chatting.
“Worst date ever. Cheers Alan.”
“Debbie I’m pretty sure it was you who suggested trampolining?!”
“WHY THE FUCK WOULD I SUGGEST THIS!? I CAN BARELY FUCKING WALK. Anyway, what would you give this date out of 10?”
The Trampoline Date, how to bounce your way to eternal solitude.
Want to bounce your way to eternal solitude also? Click here.