The Trampoline Date

On Paper:

Feeling inspired after the Olympics? Why not take dating off ground and try bouncing to glory!

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In Reality:

I had high (marriage) hopes for this one. He was a fellow (real) writer, understood the difference between your and you’re and we shared a mutual friend (she’d dated him three months before):

Friend: “Debbie, Alan is a really nice guy…”

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“Yeah, but he’s also really religious.”

“Me too. I love Christmas!”

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“Ok. But Debbie it’s just a bit weird – coz you know I’ve been there.”

“But do you actually mind?”

“Well, you’re one of my best friends so it does feel a bit odd. Just think about it from my point of view.”

“Ok babe…”

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So we continued messaging and somehow (fuck knows how) decided on this date:

Housemate: “And where are you going this evening?”

“Trampoline park”

“Oh my fucking god. I would pay to see this.”

“Shut up Laura and help me practise.”

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I arrived at the venue and met my date:

“Debbie shall we meet at the entrance once we’re changed?”

“Perfect.”

I headed inside the changing rooms, looked to the mirror and prepped myself for the greatest date of my life.

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And so it began…

My confidence plummeted the moment we entered.

“Will you stop bouncing so hard Alan?!”

“Debbie, you can’t just stand there!”

“CAN.”

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I attempted to overcome my insecurities (nothing looks attractive bouncing ) and play “shy”.

“Alan – maybe if you didn’t watch me, I’d be able to bounce?”

“Debbie everyone can bounce, jump-”

“FUCKING TURN AROUND.”

Then that failed.

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“ALAN I’VE BROKEN EVERYTHING.”

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We (he) decided to have a “timeout” from bouncing and give the other activities in the park a go.

“Debbie there’s a basketball ring over there, you must be good at that!”

“Why?!”

“Because you’re tall.”

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Then we attempted to joust with the gladiator props.

“COME ON! HIT ME ALAN!!”

“Debbie I don’t wanna be a dick-”

“Come on ya weak cunt!”

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“FINE”
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“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HIT ME”

“Debbie you told me to!”

My date left to go play on the monkey bars and bouncing walls – whilst I found solace in a safer place.

“Debbie, seriously where have you gone now?!”

“In the pit.”

“Where?!!

…Oh for god’s sake.”

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I looked at my date, the pity filled his eyes as I tried to explain:

“I’m more useless than an inflatable dartboard. ”

“No you’re not, let’s go over there -”

“I’m pretty sure that parts for babies.”

We went over and I began bouncing, higher and higher. My fear vanished and was replaced with a sense of real accomplishment…

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“Well done Debbie! You’re really good at bouncing!”

Then I saw something else “bouncing”

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Fuck this.

“Alan, I want to go home.”

“But you’re getting really good at bouncing-”

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“Christ. Fine.”

We (I) stormed past the springy 6 yr old.

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“DEBBIE!!”

“What.”

“Are you quite finished?!”

“Yes. I’ll be in the cafe.”

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Cost: Nothing is worth that amount of embarrassment.

Dangerous Rating:

We walked back to the station (in single file) chatting.

Yelling:

“Worst date ever. Cheers Alan.”

“Debbie I’m pretty sure it was you who suggested trampolining?!”

“WHY THE FUCK WOULD I SUGGEST THIS!? I CAN BARELY FUCKING WALK. Anyway, what would you give this date out of 10?”

The Trampoline Date, how to bounce your way to eternal solitude.

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Want to bounce your way to eternal solitude also? Click here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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