Since birth this has been your year – this is the milestone, the year that will recourse your life. This isn’t #dirty30…
…this is #Cleanslate28
There had been so many exciting ideas on what we could do on this monumental day;
“Debbie, why don’t we go to a spa?”
“I am not letting a stranger touch me Laura”
“That’s a first-“
“Well, how about we go somewhere really nice for a Birthday lunch?”
“Laura, we could always go to Harry Potter Worl-“
“Well it better be good then.”
So the morning of the 28th came, the birds were singing, me and my housemate were yelling:
The hideous nickname we once mocked but has now become a staple term in our friendship.
We headed out ready for our first activity of the day. We’d been planning this for months and finally both had the opportunity to do it together. We boarded the tube with spirits high – so excited.
“Hello, how can I help you girls today?”
“We’d like to get tested!”
“Have you got appointments?”
“I’m sorry, no walk-ins allowed-”
“But it’s my Birthday!”
“Why would you wanna get checked out then? “Happy Birthday, you have Chlamydia!”…”
“Ok, fine! Here’s your swabs – do as instructed in your cubicles then the results should be with you in 6 hours. But don’t tell anyone we let you do this!”
“Of course we won’t…”
We went into our separate cubicles, did the swabs then bombed it out the building so no one saw and made our way to our second Activity.
And my second home…
(6 hours till results)
We arrived and got down to the most important part of any special day:
Finding a decent shot to put on social media.
“Laura, that lady looks nice – get her to take a photo of us.”
The lady wasn’t only nice, she was American – so had absolutely no social awkwardness that us Brits struggle with daily.
“THAT’S IT GIRLS! YOU LOOK SO GREAT – OH MY GOD I LOVE THAT – DO THAT AGAIN. OH WAIT, NOW POSE AND DO A ROYAL WAVE”
“Ok, I think that’s enough now – I’m sure we’ll find one-”
“NO NO NO. LET’S GET A FEW MORE, I’M GONNA GO STAND ON THAT FOUNTAIN TO GET A REALLY GOOD ARIEL SHOT!”
After our unplanned 30 minute photoshoot – we thanked the lady, wished her well on her travels and had a look through which picture to put up.
And with so much choice…
I chose the one where I looked nicest
“Debbie, which one did you upload?”
“Oh just a video she took.”
“Which video Debbie…”
“…I LOOK SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN THAT ONE”
“No you don’t…”
(5 hours till the results)
We quickly left the palace and headed into central to see if there were any tickets to the theatre that evening. Fortunately there were two for “The Curious Incident of the Dog in Night-time” – I’d seen the show before, so knew it was good and at £18 each for a ticket…
…What could possibly go wrong.
We bought the tickets and made our way to the third activity of the day. My housemate had researched this bakery and explained it was a new venture by chef Dominique Ansel.
As we walked in we discovered this was no ordinary bakery with a few pastries – everything was edible; smores, cookie shot cups, mini Madelines…
“Right Debbie this is my treat what would you like?”
Unfortunately everything came to a larger total than expected.
“Ok ladies – that will be £50 altogether”
(3 hours till the results)
Once we’d eaten the entire bakery – the sugar rush hit;
“Debbie, the show doesn’t start till 7:30 it is now 6:30, we have one hour”
“What shall we do?!”
“We could get a tube to the theatre, or we could get the bus!??”
We ran to the bus and boarded, unfortunately the sugar rush came and went in an instant;
After our quick 35 minute nap we headed straight for the theatre and discovered why our seats had been at the discounted price.
(2 hours till results)
“Debbie, we literally can’t see a thing!”
“Oh well, I’ve seen it before. Nap time-”
The play finished to rapturous applause.
“Debbie – wake up.”
And we made our way back to the station, when my housemate heard her phone…
“It’s the results!!”
“What do yours say Laura?!”
“YAY!! IT’S ALL NEGATIVE!!”
Then I looked at my phone…
And saw the first line.
Cost: The cost of happiness on your birthday – priceless (but for your best friend a little more)
“HAHAHA!! What have you got Debbie?? You’ve got it all haven’t you?!”
I opened the message:
“Debbie, how did you do it wrong?!”
“…You shoved it up your bum didn’t you.”
10 OUT OF 10