“How Are You Single?”

1)  Because I am either smashed or sober –  there is no inbetween.
2) After being a violinist, pianist, flutist and tennis enthusiast when I turned 18 I lost all hobbies so seem to have no interests.
3) I don’t laugh, I howl and clap like a seal.
4) I literally cannot cook, and everything is coated in layer of cheddar cheese.
5) My hair needs at least 30 minutes taming time in the mornings.
6) To my friends I have the wit of Ricky Gervais to boys an evening with Jeremy Paxman.
7) I don’t smoke, and then demolish a 20 pack after two drinks.
8) I drink pints. Boys sometimes find this attractive – until the second one is downed and I can’t see.
9) Once I got called a ‘prawn’ by a 16 year old in MacDonalds, destroying all self confidence.
10) If a boy asks for a picture he will have to wait at least two days – this is how long it takes to get a decent shot post-editing.
11) I would rather wiggle than walk the 100 metres to buy toilet paper.
12) Probably should wash more.
13) I can talk about Harry Potter for hours, literally hours.
14) Following on from above – for every date I request a trip to Harry Potter world.
15) I discuss how amazingly beautiful all my friends are and refer to myself as a ‘MUF’ (Mandatory Ugly Friend).
16) I notice pretty girls more than the boy – optimising total paranoia.
17) I feel the need to discuss the film while it is happening at the cinema.
18) I eat like a cow.
19) I think I can rap.
20) My body will need a very expensive service in 10 years.
21) I lie continuously, ‘yes, I can speak Mandarin’ . . . just because it says it on your CV doesn’t make it true.
22) My general knowledge is shocking.
23) I love reality TV.
24) I once forgot to take out a tampon for a very long time.
25) They will be bitterly disappointed when the child is born with a massive snout.
26) I offer to pay half then my card gets declined.
27) I don’t resemble a herbal essence advert in the shower but more a sewer rat.
28) My room is always a mess and completely inhospitable.
29) Barely squat – even with all the perfect peaches staring at me on Instagram.
30) This blog.
31) I’m completely mental and over think everything.

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