The Cosmopolitan Influencer Awards

On Paper:

One of the largest international fashion magazines for women, the most prestigious awards in blogging with over 10,000 nominations.

This is your moment to shine.

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In Reality:

On the 18th of October I received some rather unexpected mail;

**CONGRATULATIONS**

You have been shortlisted as ‘Best Sex and Relationship Influencer’ at the Cosmopolitan Influencer Awards 2016 and are cordially invited to Kensington Palace on the evening of the 5th where we will announce the winners.

Good Luck!

Cosmopolitan”

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The initial excitement was soon replaced with fear and nervous diarrhoea when I googled “what is an influencer” and discovered:

I am not an influencer.

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The Awards

I arrived at Kensington Palace and headed inside positioning myself in a quiet corner. I observed the room; beauty stations along the side, milling with stylishly dressed guests  –  ‘hashtagable’ things in every corner…

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And weighed up my options;

Die in this corner

Or

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I approached two girls stood by the eyelash stand;

“Hey, you girls ok?”

“Yes. We’re fine”

Rather snapchat then chat – ‘influencers’

“So, did you girls come together?”

“We’re both nominated for the same category so messaged each other before.”

“How did you know you’d both been nominated? I couldn’t find a shortlist of all the nominees anywhere!”

“There is a Twitter hashtag – most people who were nominated tweeted about it.”

Alright youngster – back in my day the only tweeting we did was pretending to get fraped for attention:

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Wow.

The girls quickly scarpered after having an engaging conversation with the eyelash lady and I took my seat:

“Will these lashes ruin my semi permanent ones I’ve already got on?”

“No of course not”

I.e. Yes indefinitely

“Chuck them on then”

She finished applying them and handed me the mirror:

“So what do you think?!”

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“You look great! Here have a free pair -remember to post about them!”

“Of course!”

My 5 twitter followers will be ecstatic. 

I wondered off with my new eye lashes, forcing myself not to retreat back to my corner, when I saw two older looking women, very smart, phones not in hand – definitely important. I took a deep breath and approached, going over the conversation in my head:

“Hello, my name is Dangerous Debbie, I’m delighted for my nomination, will you be my friend and mentor.”

I faced the group of women and cleared my throat…

They turned.

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And I blew it.

“…Don’t suppose you know where the toilets are?”

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“Yeah, they’re outside round the back.”

I bolted and messaged my housemate:

“Laura this is awful! I’m hiding in the toilet”

“Oh don’t be so silly-”

And exaggerated the situation a little to increase sympathy.

“But nobody wants to speak to me-”

“I’m sure they do-”

“I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.”

“Right, stop sulking and get out the toilet. You have been shortlisted for this award so have every right to be there as anyone else. You did not call yourself Dangerous Debbie for nothing.”

I left the bathroom and re-entered the hall.

Empowered.

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I looked around the room and saw two people I recognised from the dating awards I had attended the previous year:

“Oh hey guys! Crazy seeing you here?”

“Yeah.”

Both run dating blogs – odds were relatively high.

“Dating awards was pretty mental last year! Didn’t put myself forward this year though. I’m not paying to be nominated!”

“We are.”

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And swiftly left.

I was just heading back to my corner, when I saw a girl; carrying two drinks in hand, confident – alone

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“Hello, have you been nominated?”

“Oh god no, I run a lifestyle blog called “The London Foxx” but mainly just use Instagram. I was invited here with Blossom Hill (the sponsors) because I love to drink.”

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We took to the floor and cemented our friendship with a fun photoshoot:

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Then The Foxx chatted to other influencers, whilst I sucked on a cucumber in my glass avoiding eye contact:

Influencer 1: “I know I only get like £ *more than I make in a month*  per instagram post its ridiculous and having a full time job is ruining my photos because I can only take them during twilight hours!”

Influencer 2: “I know, I should definitely be getting more per post. Debbie how do you find it?”

raw

Just at that moment the Editor  began assembling the crowds to announce the winners of the evening.

I observed all the influencers taking to the stage and being congratulated for inspiring a generation.

I didn’t belong here…

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Then it came to my category and just when I thought all hope was lost…

“And the award for winner of the ‘Best Sex and Relationship influencer’ is a girl who broaches topics few would be willing to openly discuss…”

Oh my god…

“…Keeping her audience entertained with hilarity and honesty”

Accidental Anal?

“…connecting on a new level…”

Could it be. The underdog will finally become Top Dog.

“…Our winner for Best Sex and Relationship influencer is…

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Nope – still a loser.

Cost: Free!

Dangerous Rating:

I returned home to my housemate:

“Did you win?!”

“Did I fuck. Mate can you get a photo of me to chuck on instagram.”

“Well yeah, but it’s not the best setting?”


An eye opening evening celebrating Vloggers, Snapchatters, Instagrammers and Bloggers who influence the world for the better; bringing beautifully filtered photos which make us marvel at asymmetrical walls, and long for more aesthetically pleasing lifestyles.

And coming to the solid conclusions I am a writer not an influencer.

#nofilter 

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