This is the Comedian Luisa Omeilan I always rave about and have booked us tickets to her show “What Would Beyonce Do?” at Clapham Grand. It’s going to be aired on BBC3 this Valentine’s Day so wear something nice.
If you can’t come I’ll just invite someone who is better than you.
Your Housemate (Bae) x”
I arrived at Clapham Junction and met my Valentine.
“BAE!! I’m so glad to see you!”
“Are you going to hug me?”
“I’m going to try”
“…You can stop now Debbie.”
We entered the Clapham Grand and the show began as Luisa came to the stage. It took me a while to get into her set initially because my Valentine (having already seen the show a number of times before) became angered when I didn’t laugh every second.
“Why aren’t you laughing?”
“Bae she literally just breathed?”
Then, (being an unreceptive mammal) I struggled to get involved in the audience participation that followed:
“THIS SONG GOES OUT TO ALL MY INDEPENDENT BITCHES – AM I RIGHT LADIES?!”
“Independent Women” by Destiny’s Child filled the room and the audience took to their feet cheering and singing.
Whilst I pretended to be dead.
“WHY AREN’T YOU SINGING DEBBIE?!”
Fortunately once that was over with I soon realised why my Valentine was such a fan; Luisa openly discussed one night stands, describing her drunk sex the night before to a hip hop video, and struggling to find direction after university…
But what blew it out the park…
“WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME MOO WITH DIFFERENT ACCENTS?”
I got so into it I momentarily forgot my inhibitions when Destiny’s Child, Survivor blared out the auditorium and Luisa called:
“WE ARE SURVIVORS BITCHES – AM I RIGHT LADIES?!!”
“YES WE ARE LUISA”
We left the comedy feeling empowered – so empowered we threw caution to the wind..
“Bae, my bedtime alarm just went off on my phone…”
“Mine too…shall we snooze them?”
“YEAH!! LET’S GOT TO BROKEN RECORDS!!!”
“FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME DEBBIE, IT’S CALLED NORTHCOTE RECORDS!”
We got ourselves some drinks and began discussing the show and our own ‘love’ lives.
Then things became more heated when we decided to take a time out from conversation and find out our Hogwart houses on Pottermore.
“Bae, it must be faulty. There is no way you could have a snake patronus and end up in Gryffindor.”
“Seriously, just get over it Debbie.”
“NO. WE ARE BEING SORTED AGAIN AS SOON AS WE GOT HOME OR-”
“Or what?! You gonna steal my rice crackers Hufflepuff?”
“THE SORTING HAT WAS WRONG”
We called it a night and left Broken Records.
“Bae I’m actually really upset”
“Oh it’s just a silly quiz. It doesn’t mean anything!”
“IT MEANS EVERYTHING!!”
Then all of a sudden my Valentine was stopped in the street…
“Excuse me, sorry to do this but I’ve been watching you inside and I had to come over and ask for your number?”
I could feel my Valentine squirming, she has a very particular taste in men (Henry Cavil or nothing) and she responded predictably:
“Sorry, I’m actually seeing someone at the moment.”
I had two options:
What would Beyonce do?
Probably say that us women should stick together and leave this man numberless.
But what would Debyonce do…
“OH SHUT UP NO YOU’RE NOT – give him your number.”
…Be a cunt.
The man also began to squirm.
“It doesn’t matter I totally get it.”
But I persisted.
“We’ve been saying all evening how single we are – just give him your number Bae.”
The man became even more uncomfortable and came to an arrangement which suited us all.
“Look, how about I give you my number then you can decide.”
I watched on as the lovers exchaned details.
And then we said our goodbyes…
“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT DEBBIE!!!”
“HA! Who’s a Hufflepuff now?!”
“GET ON THE FLOOR AND POSE WITH THAT THING.”
“BUT BAE THERE’S LOADS OF PEOPLE AROUND!”
“THIS IS YOUR PUNISHMENT. GET ON THAT FLOOR. NOW.”
Cost: Watch the Luisa Omelian show “What Would Beyonce Do?” now on BBC3 Iplayer for free!
A wonderful evening enjoying the talents of a fantastic comedian and realising you don’t need a man for Valentine’s Day, you just need your best Bae.