The BYOC Date

On Paper:

A date night at Bring Your Own Cocktail in Soho, an accommodating venue for all types of patrons…

…Even the most dangerous ones.

In Reality:

The Date In The Dark Continued…

I was a little mortified at the email my date had sent his colleague, so turned to my housemate for council.

“What’s wrong with you now?”

“READ THIS.”

“IT’S NOT FUNNY LAURA!”

“Who has he sent that to?”

“Some fucking guy he works with who’s written a few books.”

“Oh well, at least you don’t have to see him again.”

“Yes I do!”

“Why?!”

The Second Date:

I got ready for my date in usual fashion.

“DEBBIE! Will you please wash the bath tub after you shave your body!”

“Oh it’s only leg hair don’t be such a prude Laura.”

“Honestly you should see my vagina, that’s gonna need a hacksaw when I get round to it-”

“It’s actually a great form of contraception because it stops you from being slutty – pushing on five months of celibacy now.”

“But where is Simon taking you again this evening?

“Bring Your Own Cocktail [BYOC] in Soho”

“Well be careful, I can tell you fancy him otherwise you wouldn’t have shaved your legs and you know how you get on alcohol.”

“What do you mean!?”

“Debbie”


I left the house and began walking to the tube practising my monologue I would say to Simon about his disrespectful email, when I was struck with something even more destructible…

“Debbie, do you want me to pick up the alcohol for this evening?”

“Oh, don’t be silly Simon…

We arrived at BYOC and the bartender asked for our chosen alcohol for the evening.

“DEBBIE!”

“Did you not bring anything else?”

“I appreciate the humour Debbie, but I’ve paid a lot of money for this, for both of us-”

“Oh come on! It’s nothing in comparison to that disrespectful email.”

“That email was obviously a joke! I’m not spending £50 on mixers to have shit gin. Oh sod it, I’m just gonna go out and buy something different. I am not drinking this.”

Bartender:

BYOC – Take 2

My date arrived back and handed over his chosen alcohol to the bartender.

“Morgan Spiced, great choice Sir!”

“To be fair anything is better than Sainsbury’s own gin, isn’t it Debbie.”

The bartender kept bringing out different variations of cocktail using both our spirits and I attempted for a second time to bring up his email.

“What does ‘break the duck‘ even mean Simon?!”

“No idea, just said it because it sounded funny.”

“Well it wasn’t.”

“Oh come on it was a little bit – I can see you smiling.”

“Am not.”

“Yes you are…”

“I like being able to see you on this date Debbie, you look really nice when you smile.”

Those initial feelings I’d felt on our first encounter came rushing back, the cocktails were putting seductive thoughts in my mind so I quickly changed the conversation…

“You mentioned the date in the dark was something on your bucket list, was this on the list as well Simon?”

“No, I’ve been here before with a girl actually.”

“It was ages ago now Debbie, we didn’t go out for long.”

“We only dated for a few months”

“Yeah she was really nice but-”

“You are two totally different people! can we please talk about something els-”

“DEBBIE!”

 

Bartender:

The bill was exchanged, but the date didn’t end. My jealousy, pre-celibacy instincts and Sainsbury value gin took the reigns.

“Really Debbie?!”

“This feels really weird being in here with you Debbie!”

“BET YOU NEVER CAME HERE WITH YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND!”

“No I definitely didn’t – can we please leave, men are leering at you!”

 

“NO! I’M CALLING A TAXI”

“I WANT TO GO TO A GAY BAR!!!”

“NO! COME HERE NOW!”

“CHASE ME SIMON!”

“SERIOUSLY DEBBIE!”

 

Cost:

£25 per person (additional costs for alcohol may vary on how much of a banterbus you are)

Dangerous Rating:

I awoke the following morning alone, confused and hungover to hell in a room which held a hand written bucket list. I located my phone and called the one person who has to care about my wellbeing because I sign for all her deliveries.

“Where are you!?”

“I’M IN HIS ROOM”

“I knew this would happen! Did you sleep with him?”

“I DON’T KNOW BUT I’M BUTT NAKED AND MY MOUTH TASTES LIKE I’VE LICKED OUT A BADGER”

“Right, stop yelling and just come home! And make sure you wash his razor before you leave.”

“What?”

“Well I’m guessing you did the panic bathroom routine coz you hadn’t shaved?”

To be continued…

The Netflix And Chill Date

 

 

 

 

 

3 Comments

  1. Dave Gibbons

    Haha you’re amazing <3. Absolutely love this So much I have just only listened to the copy of wonderwoman that I'm streaming semi illegally in Bulgaria. I love your writing style and think you're as funny as as a pickle is green.

    Like

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