The Netflix and Chill, a modern day ‘booty call’ which has been disrupting movies since 2009.
The BYOC Date Continued.
My date was scheduled to arrive at 8pm and this time I was prepared.
“OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DEBBIE! WILL YOU PLEASE WASH THE BATH TUB – THERE IS HAIR EVERYWHERE!”
“Can you keep your voice down Laura! He’ll be here any minute-”
“I’m just confused as to why you are having a “Netflix and chill” session when you can’t sleep with him?”
“Because he understands I have vouched celibacy and we enjoy each others company.”
“Debbie, he didn’t sleep with you the other night because you were absolutely bollocksed and hadn’t shaved your vagina in like a year – and when you told him you were ‘celibate’ until your book gets published, he said he wanted to help but then he actually sent an email to his work colleague saying he was only doing it so he could sleep with you.”
“He actually used the term ‘break the duck‘ Laura-”
My date arrived a little after 8:30pm and we got comfortable in bed.
“So, what do you fancy watching Simon?”
“What about this Debbie?”
“Well, how about this?”
“This film is apparently really goo-”
“You literally watch cartoon films and documentaries on serial killers Debbie.”
“Let’s just watch this.”
“Oh I’ve never seen that before Simon!”
“It’s really funny Debbie.”
And really uncomfortable for someone who has vouched celibacy until getting a book published.
The unsettling comparisons began the moment he hit play.
“That’ll be me in a few years Simon.”
Then the comparisons became too uncomfortable…
“Gosh… that looks painful Simon”
He hadn’t said anything about my hairy vagina from the other night, but I could tell he was thinking it…I had to distract him.
I pushed the laptop away and we began kissing. I pressed my groin against his as I felt him become aroused. But then I panicked. I could tell where this was heading and I’d made a promise to myself which I’d stuck to for so long…
“Simon stop – we can’t”
“Can you stop being such a tease then!”
“You know how.”
We lay in silence for what felt like years, I tried to find the conversation but it just made everything worse.
“Debbie I think I’m gonna go…”
But I didn’t want him to go, he’d only been here for an hour, I wanted to be held…
“Could you not just stay a little longer Simon…”
“No. I’m just going to frustrate myself being here.”
I did understand, but it didn’t make it any easier as I lay there on my bed, watching him tie his shoe laces. But then he turned…
“Before I leave can I ask you a question Debbie?”
And my hopes lifted.
“Well I was just wondering…”
Oh here we go, “Debbie would you ever reconsider your celibacy for the right guy, I really love your company- blah blah bla-“
“…Are you always that hairy?”
“I wasn’t sure if maybe you were protesting, I mean you’re not the hairiest I’ve had Debbie…Well actually-”
I’d not spent an hour in the shower shaving my body for a boy to admit I was hairiest mongrel he’d ever encountered.
“COME HERE SIMON.”
The heat in the room went from intolerable to the earth’s core.
I became aggressively sexual, ripping his clothes off.
“Jesus Debbie! What’s happened to you?!”
I ripped off my own clothes and slapped my bald vagina.
“NOT A FUCKING HAIR ON THAT ANYMORE SIMON”
“I can see that Debbi-”
I barked my appreciation at his efforts.
“HARDER SIMON – HARDER”
“If I go any harder I’ll be fisting you – do you want that?”
“Surely it’s my turn now Debbie – play fair”
I knew this was coming. But it had been such a long time since I’d had some alone time with my greatest nemesis…
I took him in my quivering palm and began to lightly squeeze and go up and down and up and down but the more my efforts were used the less aroused he became. I didn’t know how anything worked anymore – then I started questioning…
I nearly threw it all away to end this nightmare with something I knew could seal the deal.
“Just stick it up my bum Simon.”
“WELL THIS ISN’T FUCKING WORKING!”
“Maybe I could put him inbetween your boobs?”
“How?! That penis is softer than these breasts right now!”
“I think I’m gonna go Debbie.”
“Yeah I’m definitely gonna head off Debbie, do you mind?”
I HAVE JUST BEEN HUMILIATED AND NOW YOU ARE NOW LEAVING ME IN THIS ROOM THAT STINKS OF SAD FANNY.
But as a woman you can never show your true emotion to a man because you will be labelled as ‘tapped’
Technically nothing but mentally…
Still celibate, still unpublished but my date did leave one final thought to help me get through this difficult time.
“I don’t really know why girls bother with hand jobs. None of them can do it.”
NOTHING OUT OF 10.