ONCE UPON A DUAL CARRIAGEWAY
…there was only bowling, sticky carpets, warm beer.
Now boutique bowling is here….
Fine cocktails, great people and….
Welcome to Allstar Lanes.
“Dear DD, I’m an American in London for one month. I’m open to anything.”
I met my date outside the venue and I was ready to give it some serious chat. I’ve always wanted to be an American 16 year old cheerleader and this was my chance…
“So you’re an actor Kenan – how you finding it?”
“It’s tough, but I love it.”
“Yeah, it’s not easy being in the public eye – constantly being harassed to go to events – make public appearance…it’s exhausting.”
“I can see with your blog you must do loads….”
“I feel very blessed Kenan…”
The only email I’ve had (outside of date requests) since starting my blog.
Would it be possible to have a chat about a featured/sponsored article?
My wife and I are in our 20’s and are preparing to launch the UK’s first sex toy subscription box -“
We arrived at Allstar Lanes and made our way to the reception, we didn’t have a booking but after telling my date I was practically the London Eye of the blogging world, I explained it wouldn’t be a problem.
“Hello Mrs Receptionist, my name is Dangerous Debbie – we would like to-”
“Yeah, how many?”
“Well there is two of us but I run a blog about-”
“That’s £9.95 each”
“But my blog?!”
“Everyone has a blog – £9.95”
We got given our shoes, shown to our alley and I got ready to bowl over my date…
“Ladies first Debbie…”
“My pleasure – now let’s see that swing”
I got into position ready, when my date blurted out a howl-
“What’s so funny Kenan?!”
“I don’t think that lady is a fan of your blog…”
I had a lot of impressing to do so I got the smallest ball…
And it didn’t go too badly, I managed to knock down half my skittles and after a few more rounds I even began knocking my date off the scoreboard
I momentarily forgot I was even on a date – my competitive streak getting the best of me as I began renaming classic bowling moves after myself –
“Well done Debbie – that’s another half strike-”
But then suddenly…
My date watched on unsure what to say as I became angry at the bowling alley,
“Debbie, that’s a different alley – maybe if you change your technique a little?”
“What do you mean?!”
“Well you know Woody from Toy Story?”
“Not so much that Debbie, more the fact…”
I made my way to the bar, fuming, humiliated – I was never going to be a 16 year old American cheerleader I would forever be the most affordable escort in London-
“You ok there Madame?”
A barman had approached looking concerned for my mental state.
“Not really Mr Barman, I’m on a date with this guy – but it’s not going great.”
“I have just the solution…”
He went away for a moment and returned with the ‘solution’.
My date and I shared the whole jug and then even he began experimenting with other bowling ‘techniques’…
Then the love potion really started taking affect…
“You know you want to be an American Debbie?”
“If you get this strike, I’ll get you that Green Card.”
“Are you serious?!”
“Yes. Now are you ready to bowl for your citizenship Debbie?”
NOTHING OUT OF 10.