It’s time to compete against the twenty-one-year olds who have thousands of social media followers and promising careers as Instagram models. It’s time to Tinder…
The super likes had dropped. My fanny was drying up with the cold weather. I needed a solution. And that was when I discovered Saskia, founder of Hey Saturday and a professional in the art of Dating photography:
And she responded:
“Hey Debbie, I’d love to help – but to get to know you a little better could you fill out this quick questionnaire?”
Who is your style icon?
How would your friends describe you?
What do you usually wear?
What would you like your dating photos to show?
The Photoshoot, Notting Hill
We started at “Wild at Heart” a flower shop which is a popular hangout for influencers and got into the queue of women sniffing roses. I watched on, learning their trade – understanding how to pose nonchalantly put purposefully.
Saskia: “Right Debs, you ready?”
I took a deep breath, put on my tiara and got into position.
“Ok, don’t look at the camera – just admire your surroundings.”
“Should I sniff the rose like that girl?”
“No, you’ll be fine without the rose.”
“But I want to sniff the rose?”
“Ok – sniff the rose.’
“How’s it looking? Do I look like that influencer?”
“You’re definitely sniffing the rose.”
“It’s ok Debs – we can take another!”
But the damage had been done, the insecurities came pouring out, remembering when a 16 year old at MacDonald’s had called me a “Prawn”. Then an elderly lady approached:
“You ok there, dear?”
“No. I’m trying to take a nice photo like that influencer but I just look like I’m climaxing over a flower.”
“It’s ok. We can influence together…”
For the second photo we walked down the street and found a door that matched my skirt. So I perched on the step reading my favourite book.
…Getting so caught up in the literature that I momentarily forgot-
“Oh shit, sorry”
Then it was time for the third photo and I knew what was coming.
“Debs, it needs to come off now.”
I had to show my Tinder audience I was not only the lost Princess Anastasia but also a ‘hoot’ …so I took off my tiara,
“Are you OK?”
But there was no time to get emotional when we stumbled across our next setting…
…Where I wanted to show my talents (outside of getting so drunk and not dying).
“Wow – that’s really impressive, Debs!”
We left the toilet wall and headed towards portobello road where we found a colourful shop and the perfect setting for my penultimate picture. The cashier looked on as we stepped inside, fearful…
“What are you guys doing?”
“We’re just taking a few photos, do you mind?”
“She’s an influencer.”
“Ok, well just don’t touch anything.”
And now it was time for the final photo. I went to a public toilet for my last change as Saskia found a quiet street. I walked out wearing two coats – tightly buttoned up, The fear (and legality) of what I was about to do was beginning to kick in…
“If you hear sirens, Saskia – we run.”
I took a deep breath and got into my final position…
“You ready, Debs?”
“Open the coat.”
A fantastic day, with the most wonderful photographer who risked prison time to get my opening Tinder profile shot.
“THERE’S PEOPLE COMING, SASKIA!”
“It’s ok Debs – just look to the sky, like you’re looking into your future!”
“After this picture. Saskia – there probably won’t be a future…”
10 OUT OF 10
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