The romance from the day before was gone and replaced with…
“What is going on in there, Melvin?!”
“It’s nothing – I’m fine – get away from the door-”
“It sounds like a dinosaur is giving birth?!”
“That would be my arse …”
“Please just go in the kitchen Debb-”
“Are you going to die?!”
“I think I’ve got food poisoning.”
“But how? We ate the same-”
And then it clicked…
“I really don’t want to think about lobster right now.”
I felt a little offended when he didn’t say thank you for my diagnosis so my sympathy lessened.
“Fine. Turn that shower off, Cape Town is in the middle of a drought – it’s shelfish.”
“If you would get away from the door for five fucking minutes maybe I would.”
“I can still hear everything anyway, Melvin.”
“I KNOW, DEBBIE BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER WITH IT ON”
I continued lying in bed listening to Melvin bark, collapse, snort – wheeze and scream for an hour until he finally left the bathroom –
“Maybe we should sack off today, don’t think Vineyards are a good idea.”
“No. We’re going.”
“But you look liked you’ve died, Melvin.”
Delaire Graff Estate.
Fondly known as…
Less fondly known as…
We were shown to our table in the most wanderlust destination…
And our waiter came over to take our order as I glanced at Melvin who was now melting.
“Melvin – if you don’t feel well enough you don’t have to eat.”
The waiter brought over our starters and a bottle of rose but the moment the rose touched his lips
“Melvin, did you just fart?”
He sprinted inside the building as I sat nervously eating and watching the door waiting for him to return, and then he did – a shell of his former self…
“I didn’t reach the toilet, Debbie.”
“Where did you go?!”
“Debbie, please stop laughing – this is a really nice place it’s not funny.”
The waiter came over to deliver our mains – as I attempted to not die of hysterics.
“Melvin, you sure you want that?”
“Yeah, I feel fine now.”
And then I touched his foot and..
Melvin was gone. So I took advantage of the situation and tucked into both our mains….
Melvin returned 10 minutes later with another fantastic toilet tale.
“Didn’t have time to shut the door.”
The waiter cleared our mains and asked (almost jokingly) if we wanted desserts to which Melvin responded.
“Yeah we’d love to see the menu.”
“Melvin, for goodness sake – we don’t need desserts!”
“No. We are having desserts.”
“But you’re ill”
The waiter took our dessert order then quickly hurried away…
“Why are you putting yourself through this, Melvin?!”
“Because I think you’re great, Debbie and you deserve the best holidate.”
But the romance was short-lived because as soon as the desserts came out-
“Get it in a doggy bag.”
I arrived back at the car to find Melvin lying horizontal, under a towel on the passenger seat. I got in and put the Aquila Safari Lodge in the sat nav. We drove down the road in silence, I knew it was too soon to laugh but then Melvin spoke.
And I was laughing so hard…
“Debbie can you pull over-”
“IT’S JUST SO FUNNY!!”
“Couldn’t write it!”
“DEBBIE, YOU JUST DROVE PAST THE ONLY SERVICE STATION FOR 300 MILES!”
It was our last day and Melvin’s bottom had stopped erupting.
Tour guide: “How are we all feeling today?”
Then even better…
The tour guide pulled over at the end and said we could take photos amongst the wildlife but Melvin had a better idea.
“Debbie, get in the truck.”
We drove back to Cape Town after and did a quick pitstop at Table Mountain also known as…
If you say it wrong enough times, where me and Melvin shared a few firsts
- First couple photo
- First lie.
“You promise they don’t bite, Melvin?”
And then made our way back to the hotel for our final evening…
One And Only Resorts, Nobu Restaurant
It was our last meal so I wanted to make it special.
“Debbie, what is that?”
“Oh this old thing…”
“You gonna wear it all evening?”
We took our seats at the table and ordered the usual
And after a few shots of rice wine the conversation entered dangerous new territory…
“I really like you too, Debbie.”
“But what happens now, Melvin?!”
“We go on a second date.”
“Where have you always wanted to go?”
The Las Vegas Holidate cont. Keep up to date with all the danger and subscribe here