The Hawaiian Holidate

The Hawaiian Holidate

On Paper:

Hawaii is like no other place on earth. It is the only state in the United States made up entirely of islands and is home to one of the most active volcanoes, and the world’s tallest sea mountain. It is also the birthplace of modern surfing…

In Reality:

“I’m not going Melvin”

“You are.”

Our Hawaiian adventure initially didn’t start quite so Hawaiian.

“It’s raining.”

“It’s Mexico – it’ll pass.”

I’d managed to (illegally) gain access to a webcam of a resort in Mexico which I’d been keeping an eye on for the lead up to our holiday when I suddenly noticed something even more traitorous –

“What now?!”

“There’s seaweed all over the beach and smells like fart!”

“How do you know this?”

Fortunately, after being in a relationship for over a year I’ve learnt compromises must be made to keep both parties happy.

“I’ve booked a hotel in Hawaii.”

“But our flights are to Mexico?!!”


We arrived after our thirty-hour flight, fresh-faced. Minus a brief misunderstanding at the border.

“And why are you traveling today madame, business or pleasure?”

And checked into the hotel.

“You could’ve ended up in jail Debbie”

The Activities

As Melvin had been frantically changing our flights to a different country this responsibility had been left to me.

“Right Miss Hawaii – what we doing today?”

And I was determined to impress.

Activity One: Jurrasic Park, Kualoa Ranch.

Tour Guide: “Everyone got their headphones on?”

“Now remember, if you need the toilet –

We drove through the park – taking in the breathtaking scenery

The Tour guide took a particular liking to Melvin and me –

“You guys look so great together!”


“You know we do a great wedding package here, this would make a wonderful backdrop to the ceremony.”

And I was just negotiating a price for my upcoming nuptials

“$10 won’t’ cover it madame-“

When we heard screams in the distance-

“Melvin what do we do?!”

We pelted back to the hotel – briefly stopping for some essentials

Activity two: The Gift Shop

“How much did you just spend?”

“All of it.”

“And what have you got planned for the rest of the day?”

Activity Three:

We returned to our hotel room in a somber state. When you first meet someone it’s all shaved fanny – suspenders and spanking. But after a year –

“Do you just not flush the toilet anymore, Debbie?!”

I heard Melvin flush the remnants of my bowels and return to the bedroom. There was a slight awkwardness that lingered alongside the stench – so I tried to fill it.

“Funny what that woman said about marriage – “


“Such a weird thing to say. Like, me and you – together forever…”

“Yeah – that’s not happening ever.”

“What you reading Debbie?”


We went to bed early that evening and the jetlag mixed with the rejection started playing with my thoughts.

“He’ll never want to marry you.”

“Debbie will you stop wriggling!”

I needed to remind Melvin why he fell for me – that I’m not just a surprisingly tight vagina

But I’m also


“What’s going on?”

A fun gal.

Activity Four: Turtle Bay Resort

And so commenced the funnest holiday of Melvin’s life and the perfect place to start was right on our doorstep. This hotel wasn’t just a hotel – it was also the film set of Forgetting Sarah Marshall –

Visited a Chines Buddhist Temple.

Then at night we paddle boarded down the promenade at the Polynesia Cultural Centre

We spent our second to last day on a private yacht in total paradise

“Who’s paying for this Debbie?”



On the final day, Melvin was in high spirits and came bounding into our room.

“I’ve got a plan surprised for this afternoon.”

“What is it?”

“It’s dangerous.”

“Brilliant. We’re going cage diving with sharks.”

Activity Five: North Shore Shark Adventures

“How you feeling Debs?”

We got further out to shore as the boat parked up and the lady chucked some rotten smelling food into the sea and a snapping came from below.

Captain: “Ok, so when you go in the cage do not let your legs or arms go through the bars because the sharks will think you’re a fish.”

“So, who wants to go in first? Madame?”

I looked at Melvin who took a step towards me…

“If you do this Debbie, I may reconsider…”

“Reconsider what?”

We looked through the bars, and there they were:

I looked across to Melvin who smiled. He hadn’t looked this proud since I’d first learnt how to swipe left on Tinder.

Then like every wonderful couple moment in our first twelve months of being entwined – I ruined it.

Cost: Everything plus tax.

Dangerous Rating:

We boarded our flight home, reminiscing on our near play with death.

“Debbie they weren’t even dangerous, there were people swimming with no cage around them.”

And I was just about to get down on my courageous knee to ask the question when the ticket attendant ruined everything.

“Apologies, but as you’ve booked these tickets so late – the only seats available are at the back of the plane.”

“That’s ok Melv-“

“No Madame. The two jump seats by the toilet.”



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