The Cape Town Holidate, Part Two

The Cape Town Hoildate, Part One Cont. Day Two The romance from the day before was gone and replaced with… “What is going on in there, Melvin?!” “It’s nothing – I’m fine – get away from the door-” “It sounds like a dinosaur is giving birth?!” “That would be my arse …” “Please just go […]

Read More

The Cape Town Holidate, Part One

For my younger readers the information you are about to read is not safe and should not be done unless supervised. For my older readers – we’re not getting any younger… On Paper: Don’t speak to strangers on the internet and don’t go on holiday with them. In Reality: I’d let myself go; I hadn’t […]

Read More

22 Things I learnt At An Agricultural Uni

1. Everyone gets fat in first year. 2. This gilet will ignite your loins in ways you didn’t even realise were possible… 3. Whilst this program will make your blood boil to absolute breaking point. 4. It will take a very unique male to pull off the Dubarry boot. 5. “Does your farm come with […]

Read More

To All The Women

  To the women who brought us into this world… “Mum, can I borrow some money?” “No. You’re old enough to make your own money.” And occasionally probably wanna take us out. “GET OFF THE STUDENT LOAN WEBSITE, YOUNG LADY – THAT IS NOT FREE MONEY!” To the women who continue to be our biggest fans and support […]

Read More

How To Get The Right Swipe

On Paper: It’s time to compete against the twenty-one-year olds who have thousands of social media followers and promising careers as Instagram models. It’s time to Tinder…   In Reality: The super likes had dropped. My fanny was drying up with the cold weather. I needed a solution. And that was when I discovered Saskia, […]

Read More

The “Feelings” Date

On Paper: “New Year, New Me!” Narrator: In Reality: He was one of the 12 dates. I won’t say which one, so let’s call him… The Date(s) Our second date was magical… Our third date was glutenous… And our fourth date was… Friends began asking questions … “Debbie, are you ever going to return my […]

Read More

The Enigma Date

On Paper: Use WW2 Enigma machines, protocols and Sherlock’s deduction principles to create personalised cocktail recipes which will stay a secret between and you and our agents. Forever… In Reality: A week post Christmas… I began imagining the embarrassment of turning up to friends nuptials,, seeing them with their plus ones, pension schemes – dignity as […]

Read More